BALLET IS JUST SOOOOOOOOOOO GAY. It is, really.
I mean, it's an artform. All artforms have their core audience. These are the people that live,breathe,eat and shit their chosen field of fanship. Often times you have people who are known to dabble. A little of this. A little of that. You know what I'm saying.
Then, on the completely bottom end of any artform there are the people who think that whatever is in question totally sucks shit through a straw.
Different strokes for different folks. Not just Arnold,Willis, and Mr. Drummond. For everybody. I get that. Always have. To each his own I always say. But the funny thing about ballet is that it is one of the few artforms where there is no middle ground. No dabbling. You're either in or you're out. You think it's the most beautiful thing that you have ever seen. The music. The costumes. The discipline. Even the lighting probably gives you titty wood. If none of this is sounding familiar then perhaps you just shake your head at all the anorexics hopping around in tights and pull out that straw.
But seriously ....ballet is gay. The dictionary defines gay as "having or showing a merry,lively mood". As in "gay spirits" or "gay music." Okay then. There is also gay as in "bright or showy" - "gay colors" if you will. This all makes sense. I mean, I am certainly not an expert on ballet. But it's gay. You dig what I'm saying?
So, let me ask you this .....if ballet is so gay ....why does everybody in the movie "Black swan" look like they have either just come from or are on their way to a funeral? GAY, PEOPLE! BRIGHTEN UP! LOOK ALIVE!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get me into a movie theater these days? You have a better chance of getting a decent handjob from Captain Hook. But, here I am ....fresh from seeing "Black swan" and I guess the first question I should answer is "was it any good?".
Define good. Good, as in I enjoyed it thoroughly? No.
Good, as in it kept my attention for the most part? Eh. Yeah.
Good, as in it demands a second viewing? Are you fucking kidding me?
Is it Oscar worthy? Okay, back up for a second and think about who you're asking here.
Oscars don't mean shit. They're too politically correct and stuffy to mean anything more than a bunch of people wearing little ties and tighty whities saw your movie and figured that you could use the blowjob. So, here ....take this tiny statue into a closet and get to work.
I'm not a huge fan of ballet. In fact, I am not a fan of ballet at all. Natalie Portman doesn't do much for me either way. She sure doesn't exactly pump my nads or anything of the sort. I'm really not even all that crazy about lesbians. So,why did I go see this film? I'm not sure I have a good enough answer for this actually. Just seemed like the think to do at the time.
Truthfully, I would never have given this movie or that ridiculous looking poster a first glance had I not seen the trailer and been duped into wanting to see it.
These advertisers....they're good. It's a well known fact that any person highly skilled in the trailer making arts can take the shittiest movie ever made and have it looking like something that would make even the harshest film critics wag their tongues and trip over their dicks to get a good seat in the theater.
The trailer for "Black swan" makes this movie look like a dark and sexy thriller filled to the brim with suspense and surprises galore. Is that even close to what the film actually is? Honestly, I'm not really sure. It's dark. Absolutely. There is sexual contact. Lots of it.
Suspense? Not so sure that is exactly the right word. I mean, you don't know what is going to happen next. Mostly because you don't really know what is happening as you're watching. So ....well ....yeah ....okay, I'll give the film that much. There is suspense in some form I suppose. What about surprises then? These questions are making my head hurt actually.
I guess the best way for me to discuss this film in such a way that I can give the reader a true feel for what I sat through is to break it down piece by piece. Will there be spoilers? Since I'm still not entirely sure what I just watched my guess would be no.
NATALIE PORTMAN-
Okay, here is the deal. I am not by any means what you would call a big fan of the actress. But, she doesn't completely annoy me either like some do. Portman tends to star in those artsy fartsy type of films or chick flicks. I tend to stay away from this stuff. So, my feelings for her are neither hit or miss. But she has been in a few movies that I really enjoyed. "Leon" and "Beautiful girls" are actually two favorites of mine. I also liked "Garden state" and "Mars attacks!" That about does it for me and her though.
So, her role in this movie ....it's been gathering a lot of raves and she is an easy favorite to win an academy award. Once again, me and that stuff? Not impressed here. As for Natalie and her performance .....she spends the entire movie with this expression on her face like she just smelled a really nasty fart in an elevator and is on the verge of tears.
If this is acting, folks ....she should win every award that ever was made for winning.
DARREN ARONOFSKY-
I loved his "Requiem for a dream." If you want to be dazzled by a film then check it out. But this guy is far from being hailed as one of my favorite directors. He did that crappy wrestling movie with Mickey Rourke. The parallels between that film and this one are striking. Down and out on his luck wrestler who does some stuff that I couldn't tell you because I turned that piece of shit off after about 45 minutes. Then, here we have a ballet chick ....who does a bunch of stuff herself ....so her and Mickey ....they have a whole lot in common. My guess would be if you liked "The wrestler" then you'll probably feel the same about this one. Wrestlers and ballerinas both wear tights too. Quinky dink, no?
THE CINEMATOGRAPHY-
This movie is probably the grainiest looking film that I have ever seen. If that is at all what these guys were going for then HE SHOOTS HE SCORES! I felt like I was watching a home movie with a lot of underwear and feet in it. Just sitting in my seat and watching this movie from my chair ....it made me feel like I had a hairy eyeball. You ever get that feeling?
Well, if you go for that sort of thing, man are you going to be in heaven.
FEET-
While I'm on the subject of feet, I might as well keep it going here. Okay look ....it's a movie about ballet. I get that. There is going to be a lot of feet. I get that too.
But this movie is just feet feet feet to the point of being ridiculous. I am not much on this sort of thing. Feet, I mean. So yeah...I wasn't digging on any of this at all. But I know there are a whole mess of people out there with feetishes and I'm here to tell you that your chariot has arrived people.
THE STORY-
I don't fucking know what I watched. Something about a girl doing ballet and she does a lot of crazy shit and sees a lot of crazy shit. This movie was basically just a whole lot of crazy shit going on. That's about all I can say with utmost certainty.
THE LESBIANS-
Okay, I wanna say something here. Not all men go apeshit over lesbians. It's true. Myself personally, I don't really enjoy watching anybody have sex. Even if it were to be myself in a mirror above the bed. Lesbians are seriously not that big of a deal. With that said, if you DO wanna see Mila Kunis chow down on porterhouse steak then your dinner is served.
THE OTHER PERFORMANCES-
Despite the camera being permanently fixated directly on and in Natalie Portman's face and back and feet and ass and legs for most of the film I do wish to point out that there were other actors involved here too.
Most notably Winona Ryder as a washed up ballet star.
Screen legend Barbara Hershey shows up as Portman's overbearing mother, herself a washed up ballet star as well.
Of course, right alongside Natalie is all the heaps and mounds of praise for Mila Kunis as her nemesis and she who eats at the y.
Though her character is fairly new to the dance world in the film, something does tell me that if they ever do make a sequel she will graduate to also being a washed up ballet star.
Vincent Cassel turns in a creepy role as the guy behind the production of "Swan Lake" that is being put on here.
He is indeed the man who brings the soap and carries the towels for the stars.
All of these actors do what they have done before except they do it in this movie. So, good going there. But I must drop extra kudos for Barbara Hershey. It would appear that she came back from the grave just to play a supporting role here and that is quite commendable from an artistic point of view.
I got mad love for the walking babs.
"Black swan" is not a film for everybody. In fact, I can't seem to figure out where all the rave reviews are coming from. It's very weird, but not in a good way, and so over the top that it's kind of blah sometimes. I found myself laughing at more of the film than I did at being thrilled by any of it. It's not a bad movie. It's just not a good one either. I'm really not sure what it is actually.
In defense of it, it did manage to hold my attention and I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I sure would have liked to though. The hairy eyeball thing, remember? But try as I might have and for better or for worse, my eyes were glued to the screen. Still, I really don't know what to say about this movie. Mostly because I'm just not entirely sure what I watched. It's about a crazy chick. Don't worry though, she doesn't boil bunnies or anything.
One thing that I would like to throw out there for anybody who is thinking about going to see the film is this ....forget anything you have ever seen before, this movie has the best dirty old man in film history for what is my pick as the single most awesome scene in the movie. Hands down. Tongue out. If anybody should win an award here it should be this guy.
This movie is a hit. I didn't hate it. I just didn't really like it all that much. But hey, to each his own. Some people have been going to see it multiple times. Good for them. Although, I do think anybody who would sit through this film again is a complete moron.
Still, it's going to rack up praises and awards for some time to come. I actually wish that I could be there when Natalie wins an award for her brilliant facial skills. If for nothing else, I'd like to hitch a ride in the elevator with her and ask her how that rap career is coming along.
*****Original post date 1/8/2011*****
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