*****Original post date 12/16/2010*****
One thing that I have never understood is arrogance. I mean, there are tons of things that I don't understand obviously. But take opinions for example. I totally get that. You like this-I like that. I'm okay-you're fucked. My way or the highway. I did it my way 'cuz your way blows. Toe-mayto-toe-mah-to. Ba-loney pony-bologna on my mind. That sort of thing. Opinions are like assholes. We all have opinions and we are all assholes. Blah-blah-blah. Yeah-yeah-yeah. Gabba-gabba-hey.
Arrogance is a different beast altogether though. It's the other white meat. The rotted kind. Arrogance is the ultimate form of self flattery through the gateway of opinion.
It is defined as an "offensive display of superiority or self-importance"."Overbearing pride". Some other words that can be substituted on occasion are Audacity, Chutzpah,Conceit, Insolence, Pomposity,Pretension,Smugness.....
It doesn't take much to step into the gallery of rational thought here and get the picture. These are all words that mean basically the same thing. That according to you-
You believe that your brain is so enormous that a coliseum full of people with the ebola virus could all spew their diarrhea into it as if it were a GREAT BIG BATHTUB.
You think your dick should be painted green and black and used by the nature channel as a stand-in for pythons.
You have so much money that you could afford to buy minds instead of paying them.
Let me be the first to say yay for you. Why don't you take all that money of yours and go and buy one of those clapper things. Not the contraption where you clap lights on and off. HELL NO! You are way too good for that piece of shit. They got new and improved clappers that shower the room with applause when you wake up or walk into them. I know about these things not because i own one. I actually invented them. For people like you that seem to believe that you an M.V.P. when in fact you are just a V.V.P. , a vainy veiny prick.
Your shit doesn't stink. In fact, you are beyond things like shitting and stinking at all because you are beyond human. A super hero. You are EGO MAN.
Able to make everybody else wrong because you are right 150% of the time. This only because the scale of units measured tops off at 100 normally but damnit you are so perfect that you demand an extra 50 bits. By the way these are no longer referred to as bits when it comes to you. They are BIGS.
You are EGO MAN. Able to rethink any finalized equation no matter how relevant or documented and at long last make it correct so that we can all sleep better at night. Gee, thanks.
EGO MAN. Able to restructure any words and architecture of your choosing and alter the course of time simply through your perfected thought or dream process. You are a supreme being. You are the king of the mountain. In fact, before you came along that mountain was only a hill. Now look at it. WOW. You're the master of ceremonies. The head of the class. The cream of the crop. The bees knees. The cats pajamas. You,my friend, are the shit.
Seriously? Bees don't even have knees and cats don't wear pajamas, so fuck off. By the way, you're not my friend either. You know what you are? You're a human being. Just like the rest of us. We're all human. None of us has any more rights than anyone else but some of us sure do like to commit as many wrongs as we can. The biggest wrong being in my eyes to think that you are better than anyone or everyone else.
You are not older and wiser. You're just old. Oh wait a minute grandpa .....let me speak up for you.....YOU'RE OLD!!!!!!!!!!
You can sit on a high horse that shits all over the place or lounge around on a throne because you can afford to buy one of those things, but you know what? You were born. You did a bunch of shit. Yay for you. Now you're old and soon you'll be coughing up phlegm and won't even be able to get an erection anymore and then deep down you'll wish you were dead.
So, what do you do? You tell yourself that you are better than everyone else. Hey, that is cool. Self love is a healthy enough acquisition. A little weird sometimes when you take it to extremes like standing around in front of a mirror all day and repeating "I am greater than he/she. By my own withering ego I do decree. I am old man. Hear me ro-"
****cough cough cough****
You are not better or worse than anyone else. You are you. Fine. Be you. It's cool really. Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. Go ahead, it's okay. Laugh. Live. Love. Smile. Tap your toes. Wiggle your nose. Sing a tune. Break into the zoo and masterbait a baboon. It's your life. Whatever makes you happy. Floats your boat. Tops your sundae. Maybe you might wanna paint your toe nails silver and your hand gold and stroke more than that king kong dong sized ego of yours. Whatever. It's all good. I've seen stranger things in the media.
But first .....before you do anything else .....step away from the mirror and take a look around you. What do you see? Trees. Air. Pollution. Keep going. LOOK! LOOK! It's people. Other people. Other people besides YOU. You know why? Because the world doesn't revolve around you. It revolves around other worlds. Other worlds that are probably populated with green six legged mutations that have anuses in the middle of their domes. Oh, and they probably got a lot of dust and shit there too. But we are ALL here. On this world. So lets concentrate on where we're at. Notice I said WE right?
Every person that exists here has their own thing going on. Some write. Some dance. Some tell jokes and are actually funny when everybody else in the room is drunk. Some do nasty things in the closet with an old issue of National Geographic while fantasizing about ravaging the pygmy bitch of the month. Some spend all of their money on shit they don't need and don't even open any of it so they can stare at a pile of boxes and go "Wow look at all those boxes." Some think Jerry Springer is a prophet and that wrestling is real.
Some fix the toaster but can't give Betty Sue an orgasm.
Many of us are just so basic and lead lives so mundane that if a reality television film crew followed us around with cameras they would start filming the sidewalks and jitterbugs because those type of things are way more exciting. Not all of us can claim to have been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize because we wrote a poem called "Log in the toilet" that revolutionizes the way that people think of the number two.
Not all of us were the proud recipient of a scholarship to the John Leslie School of Vibrator Repair or were awarded a brand new pen when we opened up a checking account at the Nations Bank of Some Shithole County Maryland.
Nope. Some of us do every day things like breathe and walk around and eat bread with the crusts cut off as our sole form of anarchy.
We might drink coffee from a dirty babydoll head.
We eat our cheerios with a toothpick one by one and then slurp the milk up our nose through a Scooby-Doo crazy straw.
Maybe we fart really loud in a library and then ask the head mistress of books and things if she has any scrap paper because that sure was a wet one.
This year we are going to run through the mall during peak holiday shopping hours and yell that our ass hair is on fire.
You know, boring stuff.
We can't all be published poets or have award winning semen.
But we all can be human beings. Human beings that exist on the same planet and breathe the same air and live the same boring lives as everybody else. We do what we have to do to get by. In between we sneak in a little of what we love to do hopefully. If we don't stop it we'll go blind and if we don't get enough caffeine in our blood by noon we walk into a store and stab the lady that is holding up the line at the express lane in the throat with a baby carrot.
But just because you have a bunch of plaques on your mantel that are carved with some drivel stating that you are the best and the greatest and the earliest and the latest, it doesn't mean a thing in the scope of life as we know it. All it means is that when you die somebody is going to throw that shit away and then it will all mean even less than when it sat there collecting dust bugs.
Everything that you say and everything you do while you're above ground or have yet to become ashes blowing in the wind means a squat of girl pee to the tune of one thing and one thing only. The fact that you said it or did it. It doesn't mean that you said it or did it better than anyone else. It just means that it came out of your mouth or was done while wearing your underwear.
You're a human being. You live. You die. You have no need or cause to ever think that you are better than anybody else ever. You're you and they are them. Case closed. Now go fix your toaster motherfucker. Oh, and while you're at it, go and fix Betty Sue's vibrator, will ya?
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