BURRITO JUICE

The screeching of a gown wearing, testosterone fueled monstrosity named Susan Boyle spewed forth from Leslie's television, invoking in her a wave of nausea. There she had been sitting on her bed, ready for the dutch oven cooking hour and instead found herself smashed in the eardrums with tuneless warbling that resembled her senses being gored by jello butt sprayed gut brownies. Her evening in anticipation of her favorite show had been otherwise rather deadpan and the assault on her hearing forced her to catapault from her mattress to the volume knob in efforts to relieve her every being.

Ever since moving into this new house her life had pretty much sucked and this Tuesday night seemed to be oozing the week onwards into the putrescent hall of fame. A new school had managed to strip away her reputation as a sophomore moderately cool enough to warrant exemption from bullying and now she found herself desperately slipping through shadows and gathering throngs in hopes of drawing attention and falling victim to princess induced bloodshed.

Though once far from popular she had now been branded a new prospect for humiliation. Most notably, Cindy Bergertits. As if all this wasn't buzzworthy enough to have her life now skewered and ready to be laid atop a frigid plate of rice she had to put on her happy pants and wear them with pride for some douche bagel that was now boning her mom. Tomorrow night was dinner with douche and tonight all she had wanted to do was marvel at some fine cuisine. She knew that cuisine ala mom, even with guests to impress, meant beans and weenies scraped from the can with a side dish of spam yams.

Lounging on her bed, she had begun to immerse herself in drawing a man spitting up dicks because he had penis breath and so she had somehow managed to miss the announcement that all of tonights programming on every channel in even the most remote corner of the universe was to be pre-empted by the simulcast of Susan Boyle live in concert from the Gitche Guru Goat Gazebo.

Susan Boyle was a horrifically untalented hairy beast rescued from the jungles of Moo Goo Gai Pan that upon apprehension had began squealing in some foreign tongue that had at first shocked and grossed out her captors as they shackled her for zoo duty. But then something bizarre happened. All those present reported moisture in their private areas and ever softening of already soft spots and before the rest of the world knew it they all developed mad love for the hairy jungle beast with a penchant for snorting and defecation. She would be shaven down somewhat and named Susan Boyle on account of it used to be lazy like a susan and had many boils popping through it's ass hair that was never shown on television because the broadcasters felt her front side was way more hypnotizing to the general public. But Leslie knew the truth. Susan Boyle was actually a close relative of sasquatch and the mindless zombies of the public had taken to showering her with affection instead of peanut brittle. She was not fooled then and as she scrambled over her crumpled sheets to twist the volume knob into mo' better she was not being fooled now.

With silence again joining her like a long lost friend she contemplated drawing a picture of a woman with vagina breath but then decided that the crayons she was using were hardly able to afford her vaginal sketches that would do justice of any kind. All her musings of private parts brought her back to the douche bagel and she wished there were some way she could bring on either his death or her own so as to get out of having to sit in a dining room and try to keep food in her stomach knowing that as soon as the plates are licked clean so shall be her mother by the tongue of Tom Foolery. This actually being his name and not a way of life.

Her thoughts penetrated her as deep as a set of anal beads might be able to had she been older, kinkier and even knew what anal beads were at the time. Like all young rascals who find themselves poised on the fence between the yards of mischief and smiley faced wow she lost herself in her own mind and when her ears and eye bulbs popped open wider than ever before she saw two tiny figures standing on each of her shoulders smiling at her. One was as vanilla as whip creamed tortellini filling and the other one sort of looked like chocolate pudding brown diarrhea sludge. In fact, when she breathed in their presence she realized the darker of the two was diarrhea sludge and she almost gagged until she remembered that since she was a little girl she knew that poop was cool. Especially diarrhea sludge.

She had often taken to advice seeking via the friends in her head and here were two she had never seen before because they were exclusive to this crappy abode she was now inhabiting. On her left shoulder was a veritable angel of decency that wore smiles as snow white and pure as the smock that was worn underneath a perfectly positioned pair of insect wings. Apparently angel wings were not on the spread in this locale.

As the stench of excrement familiarized itself she couldn't help but find herself enormously infatuated by the newly discharged pal that had hatched on her right shoulder despite that it left a dark skidmark in the previously unblemished cotten of her favorite nightgown. The dirty friend had only random clumps of hair knotted above it's shoulders mixed in with a head that resembled a crusty nugget of shit. In fact, it's entire body was made from smearings and clumps of bung butter.

It was the angelic haired butter nutter that spoke first.

"You look like you could use a friend, Leslie. Why so glum, buttercup?"

Leslie just stared at the billowing wisps of fancy follicles that adorned the cranium of the annoying voiced little quip and before she could respond the smelly antithesis coughed up like gooey phlegm.

"What up, bitch?! Hey, don't listen to this jack off. We both know why you're pissed instead of blissed and we know who you can call. It ain't ghostbusters and it ain't panty crusters," Then a pause met with copious chuckling,"Though panty crusters is a close friend of who you're looking for."

Leslie broke out into laughter of her own as the good humor of the smelly shit angel infected her like an anal plague.

The boring pale angel hmmphhh'd and turned sideways as if to suggest that it was pissed off. This all rather ironic considering the catalyst of it's annoyance more so looked like a nutty buddy.

"Who are you guys?" Leslie asked filled entirely with wondrous whoop whoop.

The vanilla wanker cone stayed pouting as the excitable piece of talking fecal matter bounced atop Leslie's shoulders and upper right arm gushing it's bouyant exchange while trailing more skidmarks.

"I'm Shit Stain", it declared proudly before motioning over to the left,"and that is Hiney boo boo. We live here."

Leslie didn't want to slap her forehead in fear of smearing shit on her face should her hands begin to roam so she just raised her arms in mock surrender.

"Ohhhhhhhh, okay! So that is why I have never seen you guys before. You only live here."

Shit stain stopped bouncing around and seemed to deflate.

"Yep. This is us. Home sweet home. We was beginning to think that nobody worth knowing was ever gonna come around and liven up this dump. Just some old lady who already poops herself lived here before. That is no fun. I mean if she already poops herself, what good are we?"

Leslie could not stop laughing. She really liked her new friends. Well, Shit Stain at least. Hiney boo boo seemed like a dick. She wondered if he knew Tom Foolery, her mom's sugar daddy douche bagel.

Shit Stain floated right in front of Leslie's nose and she could see in the texture of the poo that he was actually smiling. By that time she was completely oblivious to the rancid smell. It was neat.

"We know about your mom and her new dick daddy. Hiney boo boo over here thinks we should help you set up some whoopie pin cushions and dumb shit like that. But me? I know what you need. This douche bagel is gonna take extra special measures to get rid of. You need to call a professional."

The skin between Leslie's eyebrows wrinkled all the way up her forehead and into her scalp.

"A professional what?"

Hiney boo boo jumped from her boring side and dangled in her face with his arms stretched wide in pleading accent.

"Please Leslie, we know you are angry at your mother and Tom Foolery. But you must never call," He slumped,"Him."

Shit Stain shooed away only in dismissal of Hiney boo boo and not at all in the unwelcoming of any flies that would find themselves enamored with his yum yums.

"Eh, don't listen to that bird turd. Make the call! Make the call!"

Hiney boo boo stormed right up into Shit Stains air space but made plenty sure as to stay back far enough that his pretty gown could remain sludge and smudge free.

"Who you calling a bird turd, baby bubba? I'm trying to save these people's house from certain destruction. You know how.... he gets."

Shit Stain laughed loud enough to send brown cloudy waves flying towards the walls.

"You're a bird turd, numb nuts! Bird turds are not even real turds and me and.... him.... our true colors are worn with brown pride. You're of the ass. But, you're dumb. Even your name is dumb ass."

Hiney boo boo continued shaking his head in refusal.

"No no no no no no. You got it all wrong. I am beautiful and you are two abominations."

Hiney boo boo stopped shaking his head and beamed light in a pose befitting a runway model.

"I was created in the image of our lord and masters master George Clowney. An image of perfection and beauty. You," He pointed both fingers at shit stain and chuckled,"Are just a stain on the underpants of the over and underworlds. Hence your stinky name."

Hiney boo boo smirked as shit stain trickled with rage. Leslie was sort of becoming annoyed.

"You both are ass hats. Literally," She laughed,"But I like you guys. You're different than all the other friends I have talked to before when I need help. This guy my mom is seeing sounds like a dip shit. No offense."

"None taken," Both replied through simultaneous glee.

"She seems hooked and that is bad. We just moved here and I got enough problems with this bitch at my school trying to make my life miserable. I don't need any more grief than I've already got going on. Desperate times require desperate measures, fellas."

Shit Stain perked up and Hiney boo boo looked down as if they both knew what was coming next.

"Now, what were you guys talking about? Who is this ...." She gulped,"Friend I can call?"

Hiney boo boo sat down on her shoulder and sighed in defeat as Shit Stain eagerly took the filthy floor.

"Well, we are but servants of a higher power. A power that frightens most but I can assure you is quite efficient when dealing with extreme cases of.... doucheness."

Shit Stain flew over to the television where Susan Boyle was still confusing symphony with agony and blipped the volume knob. Within seconds the room was filled with tortured cries that resembled operatic roadkill calls and Leslie raced back over to relieve herself from massacre.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" She screamed.

Shit Stain laughed and smeared himself lovingly all over her finger in his campaign to prevent her from turning down the hideous Susan Boyley sounds.

"Noooooooooooooooo!" He cried.

"You really should see this."

Leslie stopped and stared at him in confusion.

"See what? A boily assed hippo-potamus attempt to out gross Celine Dion? No thank you. I turned that down for a reason. The only reason I didn't turn it off altogether was because I was kind of hoping the bitch would deflate and maybe the Dutch oven cooking hour would come back on."

Shit Stain zinged back and forth.

"I loooooooooooooooooooove the Dutch oven cooking hour! It's so.... disgustingly elegant."

Then he stopped and his beady little bowel eye bowls stared her up and down.

"You need to see this though. The master is going to make her pay for all the suckage that she has wreaked upon this filthy planet. She doesn't even suck in a good way. Besides, you want a demonstration of what he can do, right? Well feast your eyes on-"

Shit Stain looked at the television and then the clock and began counting down.

"3-2-1-"

Susan Boyle suddenly stopped screaming though all her forehead veins still prodded her skin, which had now changed hue from fire engine red to swamp frog green.

Shit Stain laughed and pointed.

"Get a load of this," He paused, "Literally."

Flies began to form a halo around her face and an eruption of brown soupy muck cascaded from her ever widening mouth. There were sounds of both laughter and horror as what was presumably one of the camera men was clearly heard saying to stop filming her face and showcase her buttocks because it seemed to be the safest area to showcase for television audiences. When the camera panned and scanned her fetid ass crack all of her blistering boils were revealed and a test pattern replaced what would no doubt be the swan song of Susan and all of her boils.

The room erupted in laughter and Leslie threw herself onto the bed.

"O-M-F-G! What in the name of glory be and glory hole was that shit?!" She somehow managed to choke out through her giggling.

Shit Stain set himself down in the rolls of her blanket and Leslie was so excited from seeing Susan Boyle shit from her mouth that she found herself past caring that she would either have to change the sheets or lay in shit herself tonight.

"That, my new friend ...." Shit Stain had to compose himself and when he stopped laughing he continued,"Was our old friend and master and all around smell of a guy. The one who is going to handlo your problemo."

Leslie stopped laughing and sat up in query.

"Who was that exactly?" She asked.

Hiney boo boo came flying over and stood next to Leslie in her sheets that were now soiled from all the fecal fun.

"You see, Leslie ...." The angel stammered,"You must understand that when you deal with.... him..... there is no turning back. You saw what he just did to that poor wildebeast Susan Boyle?"

Leslie threw her hands up in the air and screamed.

"Hell yeah! That was awesome! I wanna make that douche bagel Tom Foolery shit out of HIS mouth!"

She jumped off the bed and began dancing in the middle of the floor.

"Better yet, make him shit from his eyes-"

Shit Stain began pouncing in the air to the beat of Leslies elation.

"-Or even from his ears-"

She paused and pondered.

"-Or his nose-"

She began dancing more furiously than ever but then she stopped.

"-Make that shit head bleed rectum sludge from every orifice and maybe even invent some new ones just for shits and giggles."

Shit stain had stopped dancing and was glaring her only down and not up with his shitty peepers. As he did this Leslie realized her blunder. She had insulted Shit Stain and Hiney boo boo by equating their shitness to an amateur offender like Tom Foolery.

"No offense," She said.

Shit Stain smiled.

"Ahhhh fuh-ged-about-it!" He laughed and they both resumed dancing as Hiney boo boo looked on concerned.

Leslie picked up on the party poopers mood and she stopped. This made Shit Stain stop as well.

"What is the big deal?" She asked Hiney boo boo.

Hiney boo boo looked at Shit Stain as if to signal a proceeding explanation.

Once everybody had calmed down the explanation came.

"The thing is, Leslie.... our master is a little," There was a moment of pause,"Extreme."

Leslie feigned shock and laughed.

"No shit!" She caught herself,"No offense."

Shit Stain didn't even say none taken and only continued solemnly.

"I suppose that the only way you are gonna learn the truth is to just dive in the bung here. Literally."

Leslie looked on more curiously now than ever.

"Our master helps people in the most extreme of all that is extreme. He's the shit and all. Literally. He just can be kind of..... well, you saw what he did to that rhinoceras fart on tv. Once he gets going there is no stopping. I'll bet she is still chunking up bowel residue."

Leslie was determined to destory her mothers relationship with Tom Foolery and nothing was going to change her heart or mind. Not even the threat of an ocean of diarrhea washing away the whole town.

"Bring it," She said sternly.

Hiney boo boo sighed and hung his head low and Shit Stain sizzled and popped stink ink all around the room. After seeing Susan Boyle shit herself though she was so excited that she was beginning to enjoy the smell of poop and for a few seconds wondered what it was like to live in Germany, where they ate it for breakfast.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Shit Stain beamed,"We're gonna bring it alright. The master is unlike anybody you have ever met."

Leslie looked around.

"Alright, so where is he?" She asked.

Shit Stain huddled in close and whispered.

"He is very close. In fact, he is here and can see everything we do and hear everything we say. You just have to call his name 3 times and he will be at your service for as long he feels necessary and not a moment shorter or longer."

The moment scratched to a halt like a needle screeching from a record.

"What do you mean until he feels necessary?" Leslie asked.

Shit Stain laughed and paced back and forth.

"You see, the master is..... uhhhh.... well, he's shit ya see? Literally. But, a different kind of shit. Like me but not like me. He is way more," He paused in his search for the proper term,"Anal. It's what he is. Who he is. Everything about him. It's just the shittiest."

Leslie looked on and Shit Stain continued.

"Shit hangs around as long as it wants to. How many times have you had diarrhea and wished that it would go away and it just hangs around and round and round-"

"You see where he's going with this?" Hiney boo boo interrupted.

Leslie shook her head yes.

"Well, there you have it. In a nut shell. When he feels like his work is done he will move on. Then and only then and not a drip or a drop before."

Leslie was beginning to see the danger in this invocation but still she licked her lips from hankering.

"So that is why boo boo over here wanted you to be very sure that you want to do this because once the master is summoned there is no turning back. Only retreat when he good and feels like it."

Leslie smiled and nodded her head to a stop.

"Bring it."

Shit Stain began to quiver with anticipation and his excitement dripped syrup all over the floor and bed sheets as he spun around in the air.

"Okay, well you see.... you have to say his name but we can't tell you his name. You have to...." He stopped and smiled,"Do it yourself."

Leslie felt assured in her guessing duties.

"Okay then, but how do I know what his name is?"

Shit Stain stopped spinning and smiled at her in a literal shit eating and spitting grin.

"It's easy. We will just give you clues and you will figure them out."

She clapped her hands together and sat back down on the bed.

"Okay! Okay! I'm down for that. Do I have to say his full name? How many words is it?"

Shit Stain smiled bigger than ever.

"What number am I?"

Leslie jumped up and down.

"Two! Two! Number two! Two words. Okay, okay, this will be easy."

Shit Stain seemed to think for a moment.

"Think of really 'scusting Mexican food. Tacos, nachos.... think like what a bandito might eat."

Leslie thought for a second and then jumped up with her finger pointing.

"Burrito?" Heads bobbed up and down with their smiles," A burrito! His first name is Burrito!"

She calmed down as he held up a stinky finger.

"Verrrry good, my dear Leslie. His first name is...." He motioned to her.

"Bur-ri-to," She said slowly through all smiles.

"Now, think of what you might drink in the morning. Not milk or coffee. But-"

Leslie scrunched up her face as tight as a pair of ass cheeks.

"Juice? Is it juice?"

Hiney boo boo came over and both shit angels were bouncing up and down now.

"Burrito juice?" Leslie said and then scrunched her face up even tighter. "His name is Burrito Juice?"

They both looked on and beamed with anticipation.

Leslie caught on.

"You said that I have to say his name three times. All at once orrrrr....."

"All at once. Three times," They both answered.

Leslie paused and then let loose like the stream of diarrhea that had erupted from Susan Boyles mouth.

"Burrito Juice! Burrito Juice! Burrito Juice!" She screamed and then sat down on the bed again after standing back up as the room began to spin.

A geyser of shit gushed from the floorboards and spread all over the ceiling before pouring down the walls and coalescing into a single blob of brown mire. The blob had some sort of parts hanging from it. Limbs that waved around and sprayed shit with every movement. It stood on stumpy legs made of more shit that oozed across the floor in the place that it stood. Its head resembled a peanut shape and as Leslie marveled at the disgusting splendor of this man made of rancid diarrhea sludge a hole opened up in its face and a voice flew out.

"Did somebody call my name? Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit is in the house and we're ready to get extra lumpy and dumpy like a dirty house party! I hear somebody has an unwanted dinner guest tomorrow."

Leslie gazed in awe and her tongue felt like it was clogging up her mouth as she was rendered speechless.

"Well, lets get started on a special ca ca casserole. I'll make that boy feel like he has high fructose corn syrup running through his veins. We'll make the river of vile run out of his ass like it was the Nile and have him dancing in doo doo. Lets get this shit started. Literally."


*****During my final months on the old blog site myself and another blogger hosted a weekly writing challenge. Since I was becoming so annoyed with the site my participation gradually began shrinking and eventually coming to a halt altogether. I stopped posting on the site but I continued to do the challenges for a little bit afterwards. I never posted them and only kept them for myself. This was one of the last ones that I did. It was a word salad challenge and a tribute to me and my weirdness from my former challenge partner in crime, Pastormike.*****