LETS TALK ABOUT SOME SHIT

The most colossal matter of our very existence is fecal. Pooping. We all do it. If we don't things will only get backed up down there and though in realistic theory we won't find ourselves exploding we shall wish that we would before our skin and eyes might turn a shade of brown or even black depending on our diet and we expire from death by shit. Sounds pretty nasty, doesn't it?

Shit is not normally appetizing or even remotely appealing in any way unless you are sprinting in a convulsion induced grief marathon towards the porcelain finishing line. At that moment shit is your best friend.You hug your friends right? So, would you? You know, offer your friend Mister or Mrs. Brown a hug? Evaluation of our excremental dynamic and its hypothetical diversions can be a beautiful thing. Pretty deep, huh? Butt of course it is, because shit is deep. Deep in the dankest caverns of our asses brewing in our intestines is the wondrous world of shit.      

When most people think of shit images of romance and food probably are the furthest thoughts from the mind. But the truth is that there is a sub-culture that is actually quite fond of what most would tend to wish far behind them as soon as it exits the brown room. Lots of people are intrigued seemingly to the point of obsession with shit. Nothing is more amusing to children of various ages than pulling a brand new brownie buddy from that rank closet of their anatomy. They might even sing a song to it. Anytime that I have taken part in or overheard a conversation involving old people you can pretty much wind your watch to the second when the topic of preference is going to turn like the contents of an angry bowel and cough up swamp ass water.

It's safe to say that the average person really doesn't give what walks or runs out of their ass much   contemplation. Why should they? It is called waste after all. For many of us the true testament of morning glory is squatting on the reading bench and starting the day with a grunt and a smile as we leave a deposit at the septic bank of America. Taking a shit. Leaving a shit. Whatever you wish to call it now that we have laid to rest that hot plate we gobbled up yesterday we can now officially claim our epicenters of roughage in the name of freshness and we are cleansed and ready to devour the fruits and spices of the new day with plenty of room and vigor. For those who wish to gaze lovingly before they flush when it comes to shit there is much more than meets the eye or even the nose and in some cases even the mouth. It's not just shit. It's THE SHIT.

Has anyone ever told you to "eat shit"? Did you smile and say "okay"? Well maybe you should have. I mean, with so many mouths to feed and a dwindling food supply in some ass cracks of the world there are many people who would love to have a steaming hot dumpling even of modest girth to dine on and satiate that vacant tummy of theirs. The act of eating fecal matter is called coprophagia. Though primarily thought to be an exhibition of natural behavior in many animals the concept of humans chowing down on a gooey mud pie or a corn ladened lincoln log must certainly seem largely barbaric in essence to the point of just plain fucking nuts to most. Humans are not animals in the strictest sense of terminology. Besides poop just smells bad and eating it can make you sick. We wouldn't want to have brown pea soup now would we? 

Animals are all about shit though. Whether as nourishment or a way to bond with the family unit many of natures creatures are renowned for habitually dining on dumpage. The most widely recognized fans of feces are flies,pigs and the aptly named dung beetle. I'll bet if you held a match to this little guy he'd pop like a firecracker. Gorillas eat their own feces. Waste not want not sounds like a healthy motto to me. Monkeys eat poo but are probably more known to throw it in a pinch. It would seem that shit makes an excellent sporting good. Elephants,pandas, koalas and hippos will eat the feces of their mother. Hey, if you can't keep it in your ass, keep it in the family. Both cats and dogs are known to chow down on turd yummies from time to time. Mother cats eat the feces of their newborn kitties in efforts to keep their dens tidy. A tidy cat is a happy cat. Scientific studies have yet to accurately pinpoint what makes dogs eat fecal matter. But one thing is for sure, this certainly could explain what is commonly referred to as "dog breath." 

It is unwise to chide animals for eating shit though as they are only creatures of habit and denizens of natures rules and regulations. Come on, they're animals. They don't know any better. They are merely doing what their ancestors have passed down to them for scores and scores of centuries and deemed normal by the standards of their own nature. But what makes a human being anxiously eyeball a chocolate bunny head pushing itself forth from the stink tank before gobbling it all down?

Whether you realize it or not there is a hot mess of turd burglars out there just waiting to get their hands or lips around a butt nugget and wolf  it down like a crapcake blizzard from Dairy Queen. Some might not even be content with making a manure meal and find themselves smearing it all over their own bodies or maybe even that of a willing participant in a fecal frenzy. This would be what is called coprophilia. The deriving of sexual pleasure from feces. Yep, people are getting their rocks off to what comes out of your ass and makes you go "EWWWWWW."

Scatology is the actual the study of feces. Can you believe that shit? We can actually study our poop. Seems kind of boring to me. I mean, what do these scatologists do? Maybe check out their assteroids with a magnifying glass. Examining texture and density. Is there a class for this? Man, I'd love to be a professor and get paid to stand in front of a blackboard and draw turds all day. Tell people to come up and identify this sketch on the board. That would not just kick ass if there were live specimens one could flick ass. Then the real fun would begin.

The term scatology also refers to what is commonly known as fecal porn. This involves eating shit and arousal as a result of its sticky essence. This is all very popular in Germany for some reason. They have even devoted a film genre to the concept called scheisse films. Scheisse being the German word for shit. Though a huge player in the stool pool there are many other countries getting in on the brown action.

Films of young girls getting and giving enemas are a major export from our Japanese buddies over in Eastern Asia. But absolutely the biggest market for shit on film is eating it. Though the 1972 John Waters filthy cult film classic Pink Flamingos certainly was the first... (*gulp*)... taste of shit for modern day film goers and essentially put shit eating on the map the most widely known exercise in yummying it up to a bowl filled with bowel pudding is Two girls one cup. In this minute long endurance test two women take turns shitting into a cup and then eating it before vomiting it into each others mouths all while the soft and soothing sounds of the lovers theme by Herve' Roy plays over the soundtrack.

This clip became a viral and cultural phenomenan with such celebrities as John Mayer and Perez Hilton turning in parodies of their own. It was shown to George Clooney in an interview and even produced countless numbers of reaction videos from hordes of aghast viewers that included several celebrities. The best of which are in my opinion Kermit the frog and Wyclef Jean, who watches seemingly unfazed while eating corn on the cob. The clip is actually only a trailer for a Brazilian film called Hungry bitches that runs 62 minutes. So to all of you out there who raised your arms in triumph at being able to stomach that one minute you got about another hour of some chunking and funking before you can reserve bragging rights.

I once had this friend named Kevin who had the sickest video collection known to mankind. You name it he had a video of it and his favorite thing to do was have a house filled with people and put on a video like Lady gourmet and within two minutes the throng of party goers emptied out into the parking lot faster than an irritable bowel. Lady gourmet was a film that very much evoked the introductory tone of Two girls one cup. Some soft music playing. A girl sits down at a table. Then we see the gigantic turd on her dinner plate that she proceeds to slice and eat like a steak with her knife and fork. Well, at the very least her table manners are far more proper than the Two girls with the cup.

Shit is not just for eating and studying these days though. A lot of people are bringing their love of a good bowel movement into the bedroom. Doggy style and the 69 positions are old news now as there is a whole roster of fecal matter fun for those who really like it dirty.

According to an old song Cleveland rocks and in nowhere is this more evident than the smelly bedroom of anyone who performs the aptly named pile driving sinsation called a Cleveland steamer. This expression of lumpy love involves shitting on another persons chest and then sitting down and rocking back and forth on it like a steam roller. Damn right, America. Cleveland rocks.

If you can't be with the one you love you know that you have to love the one you're with, right? Well why not love the one you're with by giving yourself a Dirty Sanchez? This would be when a man stops plowing his ladies ass like a farm animal long enough to smear some shit on his upper lip so it would resemble a moustache. If the dude already has a moustache and he's down for a little fudge sundae action he has an excellent flavor saver. The Dirty Sanchez was even perfomed in a sex tape by actor Dustin Diamond better known as "Screech" from Saved by the bell. Being so close to his nose though it's pretty safe to say that the Screech man wasn't exactly saved from the smell.

Probably the most kooky and creative of the brown love scenes is the Boston pancake. All you gotta do is shit on someones chest and then pat it down like it was pancake batter. But the fun doesn't stop there. Your pancakes are gonna need syrup so you must then ejaculate all it over it. Once you have doused your lovecake with salty Butterworths then your breakfast buffet is complete.

For those who like it spicy there is always the chili dog, where you shit on a girls chest before titty fucking her. Gives new meaning to the phrase "if you bring the buns I got the wiener."

For those less adventurous types there is always the Hot Carl. Just put a piece of Saran wrap on someones face and then shit on it, thus spreading the warmth to all new horizons. Even more boring is when you get head while taking a dump. This is called a blumpkin. For those who lack a willing partner heres a good idea. How about a pumpkin blumpkin? Just carve yourself a pumpkin with an orifice that will fit your schlong and get to work. Hey if you're a real sick-o you can even make yourself a blumpkin pumpkin pie for dessert.

Without a doubt the most extreme of these acts is the Alabama hot pocket. This vile deed is only for the most hardcore of the brownie bunch. First you shit into your partners vagina. Then... well, let us just say that you both become one with your movement. Certainly not for the faint hearted and easily grossed out. Gee, just like the rest of this blog. In fact, this stuff all sounds downright unsanitary to the point of mythical. But hey, don't poop on me. After all, I'm just blogging about this.... uhhh... shit. Hey! I don't make this shit up. So, cut the shit alright?

Whether you wish to admit it or not.... or choose to wax on it.... or even care at all.... shit is important. No doubt about that. It's in you. It's in me. It's everywhere you see. But the most amazing thing about shit is that even though definitions do vary, everybody loves shit. Some more than others. I know that as a blogger on the internet I certainly do. Shitting is something that all of us do and yet only a limited demographic wish to acknowledge or appreciate. So raise your hands in pride if they're dirty. Toast your glasses..... or cups, as those two girls would do.... and say it loud "I love shit and I'm proud."

*****Original post date 9/14/2011*****