The man sitting alone in his underwear caked with days old filth laughed out loud in his mind. Since discovering this new website called realives dot com he hardly ever did anything in the physical sense. Smiling, and all of its more exuberant variables, had been replaced by announcing via internet speak to all the rest of the dis-affected world class that he was currently LOL or LMFAO. Affection had been replaced with rampant smacking of the newly installed hugs and kisses keys on the function pad that allowed him to interact with the only friends and family that he had ever known, or not, so well.
He had given up all rights to his birth name in lieu of becoming a rather notorious cowboy on the cyber ranch under the guise of an avatar he snatched from the young male section of the Kohl's online catalogue. According to those who loved him best, mostly because they were the only ones who claimed any sort of affection for him at all, he was an attractive Hispanic adolescent with rippling biceps, and an impressive bulging down there in the sexy mezzanine, who went by the name of Chico Google.
Life had been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride that dipped more so in valleys than ascending peaks, and after losing his well paying office job, Chico Google now relegated himself to a shady corner of his living quarters only illuminated by the rays of his social activity. There he would maintain an authority that hog-tied lovingly and beat the shit out of anything he had experienced from instructional or employment outlets and in between ranting and hugging he would re-discover the joys of Chinese delivery through the fondling of his Tyrannosaurus Rex sized nest egg.
This half-existence he had thus far endured, against his better judgment, now became worth leaping from his skank ridden mattress every single morning and logging into where he truly mattered. The love that he felt in places that he often times neglected to bother washing, because there simply wasn't enough time in the day, made him tingle so greatly on many nights that it overjoyed him into fits being able to hide behind his computer screen. Where else could he smell like an ass pocket of a newly crowned swamp racer, and touch himself merrily, all while being praised and heaped upon affectionately?
Life had meaning now for this rogue buck and stud puppy named Chico Google. He flirted with any avatar remotely feminine. Sometimes he would do this without checking the gender box on the person’s home page. This caused him no stress though as it was the internet and, if no one could see his true identity or smell him, who cared what they thought of his Romeo skills?
His sexual conquests paled in expense to verbally attacking anyone and everyone that he pleased though. A good beat off session would hardly exert Mickey’s seconds ticker on his limited edition Disney watch that he purchased from sleaze-bay a couple of weeks ago. But ruining the cyber experience and bungling the daily grind for some worthless boob or bung-hole? That was like winning the ego lottery.
His active wardrobe consisted of sticky underwear that chafed his skin as he paused leaving a thumbs down or a middle finger on the blog of a competitor to answer the door and collect his yum yums from Mr. Wang’s carry on and carry out. The fact that it all sounded so pathetic would be eclipsed by his status as a Blogstar who had overtaken the popular list. This was a numerically sequestered collection plate made up of the most drama addicted bulldozer slinging, wilted worm, stone penny loafers the kingdom of cyber huggers and fuckers had to offer anyone lacking enough substance to create an account there. Chico had never slept easier night or day than with the full on knowledge that at least a third of the buzzing fly posts and celebrated blogs were the excessive drivel he posted there daily. Thoughts and non-thoughts strategically allocated from clicks and views of equal parts adoring fan base and those who hated him for being such a motherfucker but just had to look anyway.
Outside his doorway he was nameless and faceless. But in his hole lived the wicked king of realives dot com. A site that according to its home page allows real people to disconnect from reality and connect to other real people who are as well equally or more so disconnected. This was his real world now. Occasionally he was prone to step down from his throne and rub the body parts in his mind of fellow members like weensy beensy bunny hole, fukfuk, urinal suckdress, moonwhore and ppfloyo. These were some of his favorites to chat it up with daily. Well, except for weensy beensy bunny hole.
She was only his stalker. But the rest were friends and family that really cared about him because they told him so often onscreen.
Even the president blogged on realives dot com, though Chico had only just gotten to know him recently. Chico enjoyed hugging and flirting with female avatars way more than male ones. Nothing could make him feel better than a really suggestive comment from someone with a sexy female avatar. There had been a scandal involving the president on the site. After several postings claiming that his presidential avatar was in fact his own image it was discovered these claims had been falsified when the president gave his, now famous from multiple re-ups in the buzzing fly posts, going in and out and coming clean from the closet speech that was looked at and liked on and licked all over around the globe. Everyone loved the fact that the president would wish to blog in their backyard so they all begged him to stay. This prompted him to change his avatar sex and now Chico could feel so much better knowing that he was flirting with a woman. Not to mention that he takes immense pride in telling the president he is only wearing a tube sock on his tube steak.
Every day, while he filled his belly with crab bang spoons and rocket red chicken gizzards from Mr. Wang’s, Chico touched himself and in turn touched others. Of course there were many who defiled the tunnel vision of his pinheaded beliefs. First there was the shrouded incarnate of evil herself. Red_queen_b.
His other nemesis was bell BIG bob joe.
A "white gangsta' boy frum da' drrrty south" according to his about me section. His postings were often rendered incomprehensible from his over usage of stupid and slang but he regularly found his way into the buzzing fly posts because his avatar showed him not wearing a shirt and having rippled pecs. This avatar deception was such bullshit. He felt like he should be the only one able to fake and take. But his other two blogger banes had nothing to do with their avatars. They were just shit.
Floppydick was an out of work semen dropper who blogged heavily intoxicated and attacked all the young women who posted blogs about how big their boyfriends dicks were or how little food they managed to digest that day. Floppydick gave ruling and trolling a bad name because he was so drunk and stupid that he couldn't even spell words like cunt ( KUNT) or whore (HOR) that he littered his many posts a day with. There is nothing wrong with attacking someone for being a cunt or a whore on an internet social rally provider as long as the attacker spells correctly or doesn't slaughter their native language with dimwitted lingo like that ass monkey bell BIG bob joe.
By far the most detestable piece of blogging excrement to be found in the cyber toilet bowl would be the gender bending dual sex addict who goes by the name of i_luv_cock.
This lowlife scum of the afterbirth was a regular fixture on the sites accolades as a result of curious viewers clicking onto blogs that detailed such riveting subject matter as how to swallow loads of cum without burping and finger fuck painting with urine and feces used for stink ink. Chico hated this blogger more than any other and had even created several phantom accounts with names like i_luv_dick_violence and i_hav_cock_and_snatch to antagonize and rival this extremely well esteemed blogger fuckhead.
Chico logged onto the buzzing fly posts and right away his erection dissipated at the sight of the first ten blogs accompanied by an avatar depicting a she-male in self-fellatio mode. Thus indicating the sites biggest rectum licker, i_luv_cock, had won the previous days blogging wars. This was un-acceptable on so many accounts. Even the ones Chico didn't know that he had opened.
Immediately he posted a new blog entitled "two sex organs and zero brains."
Within fifteen minutes his genius nonsense explaining that anyone who spends the bulk of their time filling all of their orifices with meat and fish had skyrocketed into compost heap with 47 views, 18 of which left comments that he didn't read because he was too busy finger tapping his, now back to stately, rod piece.
Just then, a blog from bell BIG bob joe sprung up into the recent blog section with the title "Mexicans are mexi-cants.” Chico didn't click on the blog because he didn't have to. He knew that he could and he did quite often, way more than he couldn't at least. What difference does it make that some gang rapper from the caspar ghost ghetto felt differently?
Ppfloyo logged on and posted a blog called “eye positive equals nose negative." She was such an uplifting blogger. Sometimes just the mere sight of her avatar made him skip his thumb across the knob of his wiener. If this was indeed her she really should wear a bag over her head for optimum primus. There was a black toothed grinning, rats nest wearing, snookums puss faced dick softener with a nose best resembling a flaked off piece of pie crust. But her positive outlook on her life without mirrors put lumps in the throats of bloggers everywhere. She was a gem amongst ugly women and right after Chico busted a nut in thirty seconds of fantasizing about a way less putrid picture of her that only shown her sparkly toe nail painted feet he was going to wipe his joy juice on a flyer for dominos pizza that had expired and say HI to her and give her a GREAT BIG HUG.
He spurted from the hole of his helmet but before he could wipe his gooey discharge the instant chat window popped up and weensy beensy bunny hole said "I am watching you." To this he replied "yes I know." After this exchange repeated itself for a good five minutes and ppfloyo logged off, before he could hug her real tight and perverted like, he grumbled to himself about how weensy beensy bunny hole was so clingy and weird and shut off his chat window.
A few minutes later a blog showed up in the recent posts accented by her bunny nosed, puke green dyed hair avatar that was labeled “I am watching Chico Google.” Chico ignored her just like everybody else because he had more important things to blog about and masterbait to once he hit the refresh button.
With a poetic gleam of inspiration Chico spat out a blog titled "A favorite poem that I just made up" that went something like "farting in the month of May, as brown cows are lead astray. Meat I shall never chew. I'd rather sniff armpits just like glue. " He sat happily in a soiled stain that he could feel spreading its warmth across his unkempt buttocks but his joy was short lived as weensy beensy bunny hole posted a new blog called "I love poetry about armpits." There was only one thing left to do. Place her in FUCK OFF mode. This was another new feature added to his keyboard down the next row underneath of his hugs and kisses button. With a click and a greasy sputtering of fumes, from the swordfish fighter cakes he shoved down his throat without chewing, she was gone. Right down the brown bunny hole.
He noticed that i_luv_cock had racked up several thousand more views a piece for the top blogs in the dung heap so Chico quickly logged into his i_luv_dick_violence account and posted several gory post operational dong shots. One particularly gruesome image that displayed the no longer attached organ wearing a sombrero and sporting a penciled in moustache was flagged by an annoying site member called blogglefuck. Before Chico could blog about his anger he saw that floppydick had posted several blogs in the recent posts area stating that he wanted to KILL ALL KUNTS. This made Chico dribble from his noodle because now the best thing about floppydick was that when he went on a drunken blog rampage against all the KUNTS and HORS the staff spent the entire day moderating his outbursts by correcting grammar and then posting several blogs that graphically detail the one anal two fisted love policy the site adheres to. Chico could now set his attack meter to red zone and give this he-she-it-whatever a run for the buzzing border.
Moonwhore began posting several blogs that begged for people to stop her from logging out and logging back in repeatedly. Fukfuk, whose about me section claims "eye Chinese yay mee wow yoo" was leaving the same comment on all of her blogs that said "mee yoo moon fuk". This apparently angered her and she posted a blog stating she would never return until after she decided to log in after eating a fruit salad for lunch that day and after all of this drama nose dived the activity in the recent posts and buzz section compost pile seemed to stabilize itself. This gave Chico the perfect opportunity to regain his blogging crown from the dreaded he-she-it-whatever who had now just re-posted a blog from last week where he-she-it-whatever pissed their pants on video and then squeezed salty lemonade from the seams and drank it out of a Fred Flintstone mug.
One way to blog correctly is give your audience some good old fashioned drama. Chico took several rants from his drafts that he had been saving for a rainy day and labeled them "I fucking hate faggots!" parts one through five. He smiled, knowing that should get him a good few legs up and farts down that he-she-it-whatevers throat. While he waited for his blog magic to overtake the dung heap he got caught up on some messages and comments. There was a comment on one of his recent blogs called "I fucking love maggots!" from Dane Bramage that said “As I was reading this blog I began to contemplate how one might indeed love a maggot. Would this be pre or post larval state? I once let a maggot crawl on my genitals and this was quite fulfilling in a molecular and yet quite overall delightful type of tingly way. The title of this blog made me curious as to whether the writer of said blog had indeed given over to pleasures of the same." This was all that Chico could get down of this mind-numbingly uninteresting diatribe. His retort was an all caps rendition of "I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER AND THE MAGGOTS WERE BETTER.” This made him smile BIG. Dane Bramage would contemplate that for several weeks.
Chico felt really bad about missing ppfloyo earlier so he put a comment on her home page wall. He was feeling very romantic today so he informed her that "I would love you and hug you close even if you had crab-lice in all of your furry regions. " As he refreshed the page to leave her home base there were tears in his eyes. She was such a beautiful soul and therefore deserved nothing but the most beautiful in return. His comment of love would no doubt bring tears to her eyes as well and he hoped that she would reply with something equally as elegant.
With weensy beensy bunny hole and floppydick out of the picture now Chico began to wonder where red_queen_b was at today. Maybe she had written another one of her "goodbye I’m leaving" blogs that she was extremely well known for. These usually would keep her away for a couple of minutes tops. Just then bell BIG bob joe posted a blog called "ET fingered my redneck aunt and phoned home sick.” This asshole was always trying to pass work that he stole from other blog sites off as his own. Chico had seen him do it. But the damage was always done because the time other bloggers spent clicking on these plagiarized master works was time lost on his own deep and thought provoking wisdom waste.
As Chico began working up several more blogs in his "I fucking hate faggots!" series to dazzle the popular suction he noticed that greenie beanie had posted a new blog. She was the deepest thinker of the blogging bunch. His curiosity got the best of him and forced him to pause his enlightening responsibilities because when this lady blogged everybody simply must stop whatever they are doing and read because life as they know it will be changed. Greenie beanie was the be all know all of the universe. Sort of like Dr. Spock, Dr. Phil, Mr. Spock and Mr. Ed all rolled up into the body of a woman that, if her avatar was in fact her, had a wandering third eye.
Chico could not help but be mesmerized by her every posting like everybody else and when he clicked on her new blog called "I spy third eye pumpkin pie" he was instantly reminded why because he felt like he had just stepped into a pool of words melded together so masterfully that he was now cooling himself in an ocean of insight and out sanity. Greenie beanie's words and wisdom touched him all over and by blogs end he had jizzed all over his keyboard in an orgasm of ferocious pud pounding intensity and had not even been physically fondling his fuck stick. Though his thoughts began to wander his feet were nailed into place when he saw the recent blog posts.
Red_queen_b had returned. It was announced in the title of her blog that "I am back and I am still naked.” Chico knew that it was all over. Since she had apparently had her fallopian tubes mashed in with a monkey wrench and could no longer have any drooling imbeciles she had taken to playing a game of "I’m coming/I’m going" which the rest of this site seemed to be playing eagerly right along with her, their attention and nerve endings focused on her every here and theres and backs again. Chico didn't stand a chance to the naked avatar and constant whining that she treated everybody with each day she was present. Even the days she was absent left people to blog in agony of her disappearance and query "where oh where might our red_queen_b be at." No matter how strapping he appeared in his avatar Chico Google was no match for the crimson bitch whore. The only reason he stood any ground against greenie beanie was because she didn't blog very often. After all, her blogs were so crowded with intellect and depth that it took days and days and sometimes months to compose them, not to mention comprehend them.
Chico felt all the veins popping and dropping within his head piece and began posting blog after blog called "fuck the red queen slut bitch!" After he posted too many of these blogs to count he let out a sigh of relief and upon his massive exhale he saw that all of his blogs had taken up the entire front page of the popular post buzzing fly dung heap. He couldn't believe it. He felt like more than a blogstar. He was a rock hard dick star with curled toes and back hair generating an electrically charged afro.
As he opened back up his chat window he was flooded with praise and so many friend requests poured in that he thought he might have to touch himself. In fact, he did touch himself because he realized once again that he was touching others. This meant that all of them were touching each other and it felt so good that he could burst. In fact, he did burst. Realizing the mess that he sat in he hoped that when the delivery man brought his dinner tonight he would not find himself stuck to the chair.
As he lifted each of his cheeks on their own to make certain that he was not sticking to the chair from all the hot mess he noticed a new blog posted in the recent section. It was from his great friend and undisputed leader of the site, urinal suckdress. The blog was called "how to deep throat a platypus.” It had pictures too!
Urinal suckdress was the heroin and crack cocaine of realives dot com.
Everybody loved her and followed her every command and move. Once she told everybody to leave the site for another one. The place became a ghost town. Once the competition site folded up shop she then told everybody to come back and since then things have been livelier than ever. She was the number one blogger there and always would be on account of she sucked all the cocks and ate all the moon pies of the staff. She deserved to be number one because not only did she service the staff orally and anally but she blogged about it on a regular basis (with visual aids!). Chico was in the top ten. He fluctuated between numbers seven and nine but as long as he never slipped out of the ten he would be happy.
I_luv_cock posted a blog called "fucking fake fony assholes!" that was complaining about how other people who posted blogs about swallowing loads or pissing their pants had never really done either one. This was not right he-she-it-whatever said. Family spirit filled Chico's cup as the recent posts and buzzing turd pile was littered with all the familiar faces that Chico knew and loved (and loathed) so well. Petunia cloudsniffer posted a blog called "I am so happy I could shit my pants. " Rim jim job bob (another cracker gangster from down in Southern septic tanks) posted a blog called "sock puppets and meat sacks." Fukfuk posted a blog called "yoo r mee eye cum on yoo. "
Moonwhore was back. Everybody ignored her. But she was back and they couldn't be happier for her. Red_queen_b became upset at all the attention not being paid to her and posted another one of her "goodbye I’m leaving" blogs. Urinal suckdress left a comment on the blog that said "don't let the computer screen door hit you in the ass." After that everybody stayed away from the blog and her plea for attention and cyber titty twisters didn't even go near the buzzing pile. Just goes to show that when urinal suckdress writes you off, so does everybody else.
Ppfloyo posted an absolutely beautiful blog called "Me and Mandela and Martin" that featured a homemade video of her having a threesome with a Nelson Mandela look-alike and a Martin Luther King Jr. look-alike and grunting through uplifting poetry that spoke of sexual freedom with much intense anal articulation.
It was like they all were all having a blog block party on realive street. Blogglefuck began flagging all of the posts. After all, he was not invited because everybody thinks that he is a douche. When he saw that he was no match for all the fun that was being had he got in on the act and posted blog after blog filled with pictures taken inside of the anus of his ex-wife, and blogger moron, snookie puss. The pictures were disgusting because she is an actual beast liberated from the zoo, but Chico still found himself masterbaiting to them because he had never had such a good time in all of his life. Neither had anyone else. It was like one big happy family hugging and touching each other.
While Chico was touching himself he began to realize just how much he really belonged here. These loathsome malcontents were his family. A family of freaks that would soon make history. Urinal suckdress was going to lead them all into the internal gas chamber on the side of the information superhighway right next to where she peed in cups and sold it at her lemonade stand on sleaze-bay. It was there that all of them would touch each other so deeply they would induce the world’s largest orgasm in the goonies book of world records. Though society had shunned them, along with blood relatives and work place assholes, the gang over at realives dot com was changing the world. Their world. A fake world indeed. But it belonged to them as nothing else ever had.
Chico called in an order of duck bill dick sausages at Mr. Wang’s and prepared for the cyber orgy. He was going to rub duck dick grease all over his already filthy body and then spend the night hugging and rubbing all over his family because that is what family does. Before his food would arrive he took one last look at the buzzing fly posts and tried to think of another riveting blog that he could share with his community. He smiled because he had to take a shit. Then he grimaced and let forth a lusciously ripe nugget of brown pride into his boogie toilet internet rocker bench. Simply the most convenient invention ever bought and sold on late night television by a crazed entrepreneur hopped up on crystal meth and a healthy dollop of "yay wow.” Even before he could courtesy flush and begin to wipe Chico set about writing his newest blog-ster-piece that would dazzle those not exactly by his sides and at his back but forever in his pockets even though he never wore any clothes. This excited him so much that he began to fart the theme to "Three's company" and knowing full and well that a real bloggers duties are never done he sang aloud
"Come and knock on our door . . . . . We been waitin' for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. . . . . . . "
*****Original post date 9/22/2011*****
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