The feeling of warmth puddling onto Sean’s skin was not enough to make him open his eyes until after it had drizzled onto his tongue, which hung slightly from the side of his mouth. Though his taste buds were decimated from all the drinking he had done last night he was able to determine a slight trace of meat in there somewhere. Chicken, maybe? After a few seconds the acidic fluid was almost burning his tongue though and this caused his eyelids to wrench open with such force that had they not been attached they very well could have launched from his face. In a leap from lying on his back to standing on his feet he startled his friends beagle, Pepper, that had been pissing on his face.
His screams were masked not only by the still present buzzing inside of his head but also laughter that came from a group of his friends that were sitting there in the spinning room enjoying his humiliation. The dog yelped surprise but continued to piss at his feet before exiting the room all the while glaring at him as if he had just ruined the most pleasing relief in all of its dog years.
"Dude, seriously! What the fuck?!" He yelled as the laughter not only continued but grew in volume.
The first to be able to form words once the moment had calmed itself would be the owner of both dog and house, Rick.
"You were sleeping so peacefully we didn't want to disturb you," more laughter followed this explanation, "besides, I wasn't about to tell Pepper that he couldn't piss there. I don't speak beagle so he wouldn't have listened. You doomed yourself by your own choice of places to crash for the night, my friend."
The laughter subsided and segued into a prolonged silence as everyone present contemplated how to follow up a grown man having his face soiled by a pissing dog. Sunday morning had slipped into afternoon, the day after St. Patrick’s Day, and though everyone still in the house was hung-over none would argue that a hangover was much more accommodating than having been made into a human urinal.
"Some friends you guys are," Sean sputtered his words through his lips while trying to clean his tongue with the air.
"Why don't you take a shower and wash off the Pepper spray and then we'll all head over to Wang's Fung Hole for some spicy grub to sweat these hangovers out?" Rick said.
The haze cleared from Sean's head, probably dissipated by the acidity in the dogs piss. This idea was enough to bring a smile to his still tingling lips. Wang’s Fung Hole was the best Chinese restaurant in the area. Plus, Rick was right on the money. Their hot 'n' sour soup was enough to sweat the hangover out right out through your pores so fast you could wave goodbye to it as it was leaving. Sean could use a quick shower though he certainly did not relish the idea of wearing a shirt with a beagle made wet collar.
"You got a shirt I can wear, bro?" He asked Rick as he was nearly the same height and build.
"Closets right there by the can. Help yourself. Shirts only though, please."
This brought another laugh to Sean’s face, which cracked the crust around his mouth from the already dried urine and burned his skin a little.
"Don’t worry, man. I am not interested in wearing any of your lacey underwear."
Rick bent over and grabbed some cheese doodles from a dish on the table next to him and threw them at Sean, hitting him in the face with a welcomed scent of cheesy goodness. Way better than the smell of dog piss.
"What did you feed that dog this morning?" Sean asked as he headed towards Ricks bedroom.
"Today’s menu was chicken pot pie," were the words that trailed after him as he ran down the hallway.
Within seconds of entering the bathroom the mixture of chicken tainted dog piss and powdered cheese scent was instantly eroded by the distinct smell of vomit. It was everywhere. In the sink. In the shower. Even in the toilet, which had remained un-flushed. Sean raced back into the living room where he was greeted by scrutinized mass.
"What the hell happened in there?" He asked through gasps for air, as his eyes teared up.
"That my friend," Rick started before standing back up from his chair,"was the kind donation courtesy of that chick you brought here last night."
Suddenly bits of the previous evening began to sprint through Sean’s head.
"Oh man, sorry about that," was all that he could muster,"is she still here?"
Rick laughed.
"Thankfully, no. But she made up for her role in last nights..." he paused and squinted as if searching the air for the proper word, "...fiasco."
Silence filled the room again. None of this was enough to give Sean any ideas as to the origin of the phrase so he waited for Rick to elaborate.
"If you would be so kind as to clean up after your girlfriend, we can all go get us some chow fun."
Sean was at a loss for rebuttal, so in what seemed like the longest walk of his life he went back towards the hideous wasteland that he knew was going to take him much time and effort so that Rick would be able to claim use of his bedroom and bathroom facilities again. As he approached the doorway he could already feel his own vomit pushing its way up from his stomach. Almost as if Rick could sense his bodies disruption he offered the closest thing to solace there could be for such a moment.
"There’s a bucket and some fresh towels underneath the sink."
As these words echoed through the hollow of his numbing skull Sean did everything in his psychological and physiological network to hold down his now rancid blessings from last nights party favors. The mess from his date was more than enough to deal with and there was hardly need to add to the chore.
After pulling out an armful of towels and the bucket he surveyed the damage. He supposed the most thorough course of action would be to start in the corner of the shower and work his way outward. The floor and the walls were speckled with discoloring stains that had they not smelled worse than warmed over road kill just as easily could have passed for hastily applied holiday party paint. But the corner of the shower was by far the most horrid of the mess. A darkened grue that was so chunky and filled with bits of food that Progresso could have canned it for marketability.
Scrubbing up the vomit of his lady friend got Sean to thinking. Holding a girls hair back while she were puking would be the makings of a true gentlemen. Surely actually getting down in the bung as if he were a pig in a sloppy pen game must warrant some sort of reward. At the very least another date with the added promise of some love action. This all of course once they both were cleansed of their St. Patty's Day party sludge. Speaking of which, he began to wonder, where did that little lover of his get herself off to? Maybe he could find her tonight and commence the intermingling of body fluids. A different kind of interaction than his current situation. As thoughts of love began to work him over he decided that all fluids were created equal. It was this decision that had him tossing his brush and rag and bending down to scoop up all the chunky parts of his lady loves spew pile. Feeling her previous days nutritional intake in the palms of his hands he began to think about the pu pu platter at Wang's Fung Hole. He could not wait to rinse his hands of regurgitation and get some giblets of his own.
After roughly an hour of being the love custodian of a sick girls dream Sean and his friends headed over to Wang's Fung Hole to sweat out their hangovers. They ordered the instant remedy of hot 'n' sour soup along with a pu pu platter and some crispy duck bills. Nothing sops up queasy stomachs better than a smorgasbord mop hand crafted in Wang's kitchen by the absolute finest in greasy cuisine. Wang was their waiter and had informed them that the hot 'n' sour soup was going to be a few extra minutes to cook up a new pot. Bring on the pu pu platter the hungry table of hung-over patrons demanded. As they waited Sean began to think romantic thoughts of the girl he hoped would be his date tonight.
"Hey Rick," he asked, "where did you say my girl got off to?"
Rick looked at him with a devilish grin.
"I didn't," he broke into chuckles,"you really don't remember anything about last night do you?"
Sean scrunched up his face and tossed his thoughts off like a ball going over a canyon.
"Not a thing, dude. I was really hoping you guys could fill in the blanks." As he said this he saw devilish grins infect everybody sitting around the table.
Rick leaned in closer to the table and cleared his throat before speaking.
"Where exactly did you meet that girl at, Seany my boy?" His tone mockery as if it were mustard sauce.
Sean surveyed all the smiles around the table and his momentary silence evaporated them all.
"I met her at the mall, why?"
His response brought them all back stronger than ever.
"Well, remember how I told you that she made up for her mess last night?"
Rick looked as if he were ready to burst into song as did everyone else sitting there with them.
Utter mystery clouded Sean’s face both before and after he found himself able to speak.
"Yeah," he replied in near stutter mode.
The look on Ricks face suggested that he was ready to either deliver a death sentence or the punch line to a joke that found itself left hanging since dog piss washed the sleep dirt from Sean’s eyes with his early afternoon awakening.
"Well, that girl of yours did every guy there at the party with the exception of a few that seemed repulsed for whatever reason. She was hot if you ask me. Besides, I didn't mind because since it was my house I had the luxury of going first. I felt special too on account of most of the others just had a sword fight on her."
Sean felt as if he had been punched in the stomach and yet somehow he still managed to not throw up his night’s supply of alcohol. Stunned for what to say he allowed Rick to continue as he looked overly eager to do so.
"She even let me film the whole thing. I told her I could make her an internet sensation and she was all over that. Amongst other things. She even asked you if it was okay."
This caught Sean’s attention enough to elicit response.
"What did I say?" He stammered, with his face as washed out as clean linen.
Rick broke into laughter that erupted in harmony all around the table.
"Dude, you were totally cool with it!"
Sean reached as far into his mind as he deemed possible and came up empty handed.
"You said it was cool just as long as you got to have a turn."
Still reaching. Still reaching. Still-
"Did I?" He asked through gulping.
Ricks elation sank like a ship going down into the ocean.
"No. As soon as we got started and the cameras were rolling you passed out in the living room. If you wanna see the video it’s on boob tube though. Just type in St. Pat gang rat."
Before anybody could say anything else Wang brought the first helpings of their relief chow. Deciding that he would weather this conversation better after soaking up the hangover Sean was the first to dive into the pu pu platter.
Everybody else followed. For a few minutes not a word was said as all mouths were filled and busy gobbling food. In the midst of all the gorging a scream broke out in the restaurant. With other things than eating on his mind Sean was the first to stop and look around the room.
"Oh my God! There are roaches in the food!" A woman yelled as she climbed up on her chair and pointed at the dish on her table.
As Sean paused he realized that he had yet to swallow his last bite and her exclamation sharpened his senses and made him suddenly aware of the tiny and brittle bodies crawling inside of his mouth. Just then all the men who were eating realized their mouths were all filled with egg foo yungs with an added ingredient of overactive cockroach meat. They all spit the contents out of their mouths onto the table just in time to see what best resembled an army of roaches scattering from their dishes that had been piled high with mounds once thought to be edible. Anxiety and commotion along with the sight of scores of roaches swarming from all the plates in the restaurant were the final disruption to overturn all their stomachs and each of the men began vomiting onto the floor of Wang’s Fung Hole. This caused all the rest of the dining crowd to vomit themselves. As rampaging roaches and enough sympathy vomit to float a canoe filled the aisles of the chaos ridden lunchtime hour, Sean and Rick were the first to race from their table out into the street.
Still hunched over and vomiting onto the concrete they were interrupted by Wang, who was waving a bill at them.
"You pay! You pay now and then you clean!"
Sean rose up still gagging and spraying colored breaths from losing his lunch and his previous night’s party fluid.
"Fuck you, Wang. You clean," he started laughing, "and while you're at it, clean up those damn roaches too. When you do we'll be back."
Wang began stomping his feet and waving his arms around in the air as if he were doing a short bus wave. Sean and Rick brushed him off and walked away shaking their heads. Since the other guys had not seemed to come outside yet, let them pay. Once they were finished chunking up their kung pao cockroach, of course.
Sean and Rick walked along the boulevard towards their homesteads as they both laughed. Rick was happy because he knew that another beer would wash the taste of roach from his tongue. Sean laughed because he knew that even though his day had been shit and he certainly wasn't going to call the bukkake queen he was not the only one who had just eaten cockroach. He looked at Rick and patted him on the shoulder.
"You guys are great. With friends like you who needs enemas?"
With this they each went their separate ways. As he jogged home the sentiment about enemas left Sean to ponder what it would feel like to excrete cockroaches. With all of their bristles and ridges, certainly that must hurt quite a bit. Thankfully though, they had been crunched and were no longer whole. The fact that they were dead meant they would not be crawling from his ass either. This made his day just a little better now. Just a little.
*****Scribbles writing challenge. Original post date 3/19/2012*****
No comments:
Post a Comment