There is an old saying-
Opinions are like assholes because everybody has one.
Well then, who are bigger assholes than us writers? I mean, after all if you don't have a Herculean opinion you have no business being a writer in the first place. When you are spending more than a fair share of your time hammering out these opinions on the keyboard (or old school in a notepad) the reality of being an asshole just seems to go with the territory.
Okay, so each writer is different. Unique even. Well, except those who merely have no soul to pull from and go around pilfering from others. But they are not considered writers usually outside of when snowjobs or blowjobs are involved. This is referring to the real writers. The ones who have their own thing going and the reason they do it so well is because..... well, lets face it nobody else does it at all. It's theirs, after all. Yours. Mine. Whoever the fuck.
Ultimately we all write for our own reasons. Plural essential here because nobody just writes for one reason. Not how it works. How does it work? Well, I can only ever speak for me obviously. So, keeping that in mind..... here I go. I believe that a true writer should be fearless. Kind of like that eye of the tiger thing. I mean, if one should be allow for breaks in their action due to intense fear of some sort..... well, really... how the fuck will you ever be able to write anything that isn't complete shit? Just because your audience is not standing next to you doesn't mean they can't still smell your anal vapored prose.
You see, readers are not stupid. Well, okay some of them are. How else do you explain success stories like that 50 shades of shit nonsense? The non-stupid variety are out there somewhere and if you pour your every being into so much as writing a haiku about taking a monster trucker sized dump then chances are after being completely ignored for most of your lifetime, when you are decrepit and greying, these people will find you on their next google search and they'll ask "where have you been all of my life?" Answer? Right here fucker. While you were reading the blogs about eating rice-a-roni and fingering your doughnut hole.
No fear! Isn't that a sports slogan of some kind? You'll have to forgive me. Competitive sports is either fixed or all about penis envy and I don't have time for either of them shits. I'm too busy pouring my soul into a glass shaped like a computer screen. But this no fear thing should totally be copped as the writers law. A lot of people like to write for attention. It makes them feel special to write a bunch of nonsense and have complete strangers offer praise and cyber titty twisters and before you know it, a star is born.
Hey, come on..... I like attention as much as the next asshole.... I mean, writer...... it's always nice to have somebody gushing over your creation. I mean, if there were people who thought a steaming pile of shit fresh from the ass bakery was as relevant to pop culture as a song about spilling your beer do not think for a second that there wouldn't be galleries and coffee shops every where scouring the district for artists to feature on toilet bowl night. But the truth about attention is this..... it's a lot like a toilet bowl. You do your thing and there it is. Wow. Even if you manage to clog the sewer main and annoy half the fucking neighborhood.... that's it.... WOW. Then you flush..... and it's gone. What next? Unless you're suffering from shit disease you're gonna go about your day, am I right?
Attention is cool. I get that. I love getting that in fact. But once I get the attention I find myself bored as fuck because really all you have is a bunch of people eyeballing your every move that would not have normally given you a piss squat of notice in the first place. Before you know it, you are expected to do..... something. Something else, rather. That gets messy because you are an artist (and an asshole at that), so the first thing you want to do is see how many of these fuckers you can get to go away and leave you to your business of arting. Write something about sticking your finger in Justin Boobers ass and then having his mother lick the pudding. Problem solved. No more attention for you pal. You're just fucking sick.
But see, that is what a writer does. Pushes the envelope. In fact, the writer does more than just pushing the envelope. A true writer would take the envelope and give himself a paper cut on the head of his cock (or girl parts) and then ask for some friends to play naked twister with so they could find out who their real friends are. Who else but a true friend would let you bleed on them?
Yeah, it's like that.
I think one of the most important questions a real writer should ask themselves each day is "who am I going to piss off today?" If being a writer is in fact about attention it functions like casual sex. Find your neighbor. Fuck your neighbor. Then say something along the lines of "well, I gotta go take a shit now." There you have it. The life of a true writer. You write something. You get reactions all over the place. Then you move on and write something else. Maybe people will read you again. Maybe they won't. You're a real writer AND you're an asshole, so who cares?
You wanna know what the coolest thing about being a writer/asshole is though? You are merely doing what you were born to do. It's like breathing and shitting to these other types. If you are multi-dimensional then maybe you can really go places other than the mailbox to get your checks from Rolling Paper magazine or Vanity Fart. I mean, sure not everything that you write is about pissing people off. There is some beauty to be found in what might universally be labeled as beautiful. This is not to say that there is nothing beautiful about writing something and posting it for all to see and knowing those fuckers are foaming at the mouth and fuming at the crotch. THAT is a beautiful thing and it's probably the single coolest thing about being a writer and an asshole. Even if the whole asshole thing is a facade and away from spewing vile worded bile you're actually a GREAT BIG CUDDLY FUCK TOY.... you're still an asshole..... and that makes you a real writer.
*****Original post date 5/19/2011*****
No comments:
Post a Comment