What is the big deal with Guns 'n' Roses?
Come on, don't bullshit me. Tell me.
This inquiring mind would just love to know what is so special about some band that did one great album and two more (that count as one) good ones and then turned into one of the biggest fucking jokes this side of a nun taking a shit and wiping it on her penguin suit because the holy filament of the day just isn't toilet paper?
They have been called one of the greatest rock 'n' roll bands of all time. They have been labeled "important" and "seminal" and "epic."Vital." "Essential." The list of opinions goes on. Yeah, thats right. It's all just a bunch of opinions. That is all art is really. You like this and I like that. You say "tomato" and I say "fuck you." I get that whole opinion thing. I'm quite good at it actually. But I mean come on..... all that praise and leverage hung on a band that spent nearly ten years recording an album that breast buy got stuck with so much overstock due to expectations (or stupidity, you make the call) being on red alert and now have spent the greater portion of the last year or so trying to dust off what is left and think of good ways to get rid of the piece of shit?
Note to GREAT BIG chain with your hands in our pockets and your head in your ass-
Dropping the price down to free with a handjob from an employee of the month sporting pigtails and a schoolgirl uniform might get rid of some of them but keep an eye on those trash bins because they are gonna have to be emptied of spunk and Chinese democracy hourly.
Before anybody says "Hey! Asshole! Opinions, remember?" I want to say this much..... I used to love Guns 'n' Roses. Way before most people probably did because I liked them before "Appetite for destruction" even came out. I saw them in Slip magazine and bought this live ep they did called "Live like a suicide" and I thought they kicked ass."Appetite" came out and I was right there in the front. Damn right. A great album. You'll never hear me argue that.
The band was everywhere and I was okay with that. All the hairspray from soulless hair bands was polluting the air and rock and roll needed a kick in the pants. Well, not really. There were plenty of other great bands to listen to back then. even bands that were born out of the hair band scene but not entirely hair bandy like Dokken and Ratt were putting out quality tunes.
You had the thrash metal bands jamming their fists down your throat and the metal up your ass.
Slayer. Megadeth. Metallica. Anthrax. Exodus. Testament. Nuclear Assault.
Nwobhm had pretty much dried up like a dirty old lady tittie that now dribbled prune juice instead of squirting cow juice but you still had Maiden and Motorhead and Saxon and plenty of other bands cranking out the metal.
Guns 'n' Roses were great, but what made them so FUCKING GREAT even then? There were a lot of bands that kicked ass back then. But yeah okay... they were one of them. But one of many and not in fact "One in a million" as the song title goes. Getting back to the whole opinion thing..... yeah yeah yeah whatever..... I get that. But come on ..... opinions are one thing. But in the crash and burn of the music scene there is only one thing that truly speaks loud and clear and can rightfully boast volume and piss vinegar all over those pigtailed schoolgirls fronts or backs(whichever one might prefer)-
LEGACY.
Yeah folks that is all that matters. NOT units sold. NOT a cool video. NOT how many groupies they have. To rebuke the importance of the latter think about this.... Weird Al probably has groupies.
The one thing that walks tall and waxes hardness in the world of rock 'n' roll is LEGACY. Opinions are just that. But nobody can EVER argue the relevance of artists and bands in the name game throwdown of musical prowess such as Sabbath...... Zeppelin.... Zappa... Jimi...... Beatles.... Stones.... The Who.... you with me still?
But Axl Rose?
One of the greatest vocalists of all time? The guy can't even sing half the time. Even then he throws more punches to the audience and his band members than delivering those screams and wails and before the fourth or fifth song the fucker doesn't even have a voice anymore. That is if the show even makes it that long without the fuck hole caving in and having a complete shutdown so he can head out the backstage door with the audiences money to pay for the nights coke binge and sit holed up in a hotel room somewhere watching the auditorium get trashed on the news by angry fans jilted out of a full set they paid way too much for.
Axl Rose is an egotistical-whiney (this both vocally and socially) -annoying-arrogant dickweed who is by my kindest estimate a mediocre vocalist but does happen to be an interesting enough frontman if only because we all love a good trainwreck.
When the world looks back and recalls who the power players and real frontman superstars of the rock world were one has to imagine that some of the names that will be mentioned are Robert Plant.... Freddie Mercury..... Maybe even Ozzy osbourne, in terms of showman more than overall vocals, but still..... so, come on people..... Axl Rose? Up there with Robert Plant? Yeah I know that Plant himself isn't even as cool as 70's era Robert Plant was but the guy was one of the greatest frontmen of ALL TIME and rocked so hard that every teenage boy wanted to be that cool and every teenage girl probably soiled her panties while riding the hobby horse outside the drug store singing "squeeze me baby 'til the juice runs down my leg" all while the girl juice is in fact running down their legs.
Okay, so enough about Axl..... what about Slash?
He is called one of the greatest guitar players of all time. This opinion thing has now gone completely batshit crazy to the tune of ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!!!!!!!! One of the greatest guitar players of all time? The guy who looks like Cousin It wearing a top hat?
Jimmy Page..... Brian May..... Ritchie Blackmore......Eddie...... again, Jimi..... and SLASH??????????????????
Rock critics have hailed both the band and some of the individual band members themselves as the most monumental in presence and talent in all the history of rock and roll. Them is fighting words bitch. Axl and Slash ain't shit. Tell me..... give it to me straight.... what have they done? What did they do nearly 25 years ago besides burst on the scene with a damn good debut album and stick it out for a few more years and then meltdown like a shit pile on a black top in Arizona? WHAT? Tell me. I'm still waiting for the answer. Another few minutes is not going to make a dent in my head piece.
They lived fast.... died faster..... and didn't even have the decency to leave a tattoed corpse behind that smelled like Jim Beam and the ground floor of the mortuary on delivery day. Axl is still acting like he is 17 and dangerous despite the fact that he probably has Aarp flyers in his junkmail. Slash did have a couple of decent post Gunner outfits that can now be enjoyed from the cut out bin and most recently released a damn fine solo album. The other guys..... do names really matter here? They have churned out music alternating between mediocre and downright awful sold alone on stickers that say "EX-MEMBER OF that band that way too many people give far too much credit towards when name dropping the rocking out ghosts of music past."
Okay, I do understand that polls and tributes assembled by certain shit ragazines are all made up by fat balding journalist hacks who think that if they suck Axl's ass enough and placate his ego in print the fucker might decide to reform his ultimate line up band of now twice divorced rehab flunkies and maybe assign these self proclaimed writing professionals to covering the backstage antics of the decrepit and incontinent so that they can wear a laminated badge and seem important and maybe they can get some pigtailed schoolgirl pussy. I get that. I really do. But do fans themselves still look back fondly on Guns 'n' Roses and actually care enough to put up the devil horns and salute those who might have been about to rock twenty years ago but now are more about to fart and blame it on the hair of the dog?
The EX-MEMBERS OF all have autobiographys to sell and they would love to see Axl's name on their caller id so they can retire to the islands and sip penis coladas on a nude beach. So why bad mouth the dick who ruined their life and then had the balls to spend all their royalty checks that were re-directed to his address on studio time to record an album for the next ten years that everybody cared about for maybe the first year and some change of that and then when it came out it went over like a burger king onion ring fart in an elevator filled to maximum capacity?
Hey look, I dug Gun 'n' Roses just like anybody else at the time. I still do think they're alright. When those "Use your illusion" albums came out I still liked them. I also saw them live a few times back in the day and they happened to be great each time that I saw them. That was then and this is now...... it's too easy to make Chinese democracy jokes. Although I already did. It's too easy to pick on Axl and Slash. Although.... yeah, guilty as charged there too. Yeah yeah yeah, the band was great..... I get that. I still do. But seriously people.... come on.... my dick is not a tinkertoy so please stop pulling on it like it's Stretch Woodstrong..... how and most importantly WHY is Guns 'n' Roses justified in being mentioned in even the same breath as any of the other artists or bands that have been spoken of here earlier?
LEGACY. Remember?
Check this out.... a bar band releases an album (with accompanying video that certainly helped because if you were not a zygote or peeing in your crib back then you might remember that Mtv did actually have something to do with music videos and how a band was perceived by the public)... it was a great album.... I'll cop to that shit completely.
They conquered the world. Sold out stadiums. Hey, Kylie Minogue sells out stadiums in her homeland. Remember her? No, you probably don't. Point shaken and stirred. They put out two more albums at the same time. Same album broken into sections. Not counting as seperate musical entities, mind you. So basically one more GREAT BIG bloated album that totally could have and should have been cut down from a good double album to a great single one. You with me still?
Band rocks hard in between their singer and his temper tantrums. Probably cancels as many shows as they actually finish. Cue the meltdown.... crash and burn..... then a few years later some cover band with that asswipe fronting while still trying to pull off the scream at the beginning of "Welcome to the jungle" and failing miserably resurfaces but nobody has balls enough to tell him what voice he had is long gone and oh yeah, HELLO! You're not 17 and dangerous anymore because everybody is too busy hoping that next rock demi-god masterpiece is gonna be dropped on a super tuesday.
So.... uhh.... yeah.... nearly ten tears later..... TEN YEARS LATER... hey look at the brightside Axl, Van Halen hasn't put out new music since that horrid Gary Cherone fronted not even really considered Van Halen piece of mastered shit in 13 years. If you want to fly on the wings of technicality they last released a proper album in 1995 with Sammy in "Balance." So, Eddie has you beat there buddy. Maybe Axl and Eddie should get together and form a super group and then promise new music for the next 20 years and then when they are peeing themselves in a sanitarium somewhere and they have forgotten what music even sounds like they can be inducted into the Guinness book of world record handjobs to anybody who might actually care. Sorry. got sidetracked. Whatever you do please don't think that care package includes me. Let us continue, shall we?
Chinese democracy FINALLY comes out and is it a bomb just like everybody predicted? Well, yes and no. Have you heard Chinese democracy? IT SUCKS. Don't argue. If the album was worth a flying fuck they wouldn't be scrambling to empty their shelves of all the overstocked copies by handing them out to homeless people in the parking lot without even the slightest regard for the concept that HOMELESS = NO FUCKING STEREO!
But when this oversized musical turd dropped from the ass of he who still walks in the valley with the cornrows did you know that upon finally releasing the piece of shit Rolling Paper magazine gave it two thumps up and five stars and six fists in the hole and a bag of douche chips with a side of tube steak? The album sucked....... so gee, guess who smells what Axl's ass crack is cooking and then gobbles it with relish?
This was 2008. Despite the critics cuddling his ego and fondling his snacky sac it certainly can never be disputed that now.... three years later and counting.... the band and their rapidly aging on the outside and yet still rock and roll all night and party every day on the inside frontman are even more pointless than ever before. With all that said, once again my question is WHAT FUCKING LEGACY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE?
What right does this band have to be included in the same sentence as Sabbath or Zeppelin? Opinions? Yes. But when the name Guns 'n' Roses stands alongside the top whatever or whoever in any countdown of even remotely relevant bands and artists of the last 30 or 40 years and their bad bitch boy lead whiner and some decent but seriously not that great guitar player keeps getting their names in lists compiled from the fruits of sexual favors and corporate buy offs this inquiring musical mind wishes to know when is an opinion truly valid as opposed to being an omelet fried from the madness of a brain fart at the breakfast table?
****From Musicequalzorgasm blog page. Original post date 5/7/2011*****
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