So, to quote Freddie Mercury ...."Another one bites the dust."
Another artist has succumbed to their demons and music fans all around the world with good taste stand shaking their heads because here is yet more great music that we'll never have. Amy Winehouse. Not just another far from pretty face but a damn fine artist that yesterday surprised no one by being found dead at the age of 27.
I thought Amy kicked ass. She only released two albums in her short career but I loved them both and found her talent and presence to be a titty twister on the saggy breasts of the music scene. Of course it had been so long since she gave us some new product and her unsavory exploits have been non-stop in the press so I kind of figured those two releases were all we music lovers were going to get. Why? Because she had to go and join the 27 club. This being the exclusive members only gang inhabited by some of the finest musicians and vocalists rock and pop music has had to offer.
How does one join the 27 club maybe you ask? It's pretty simple really. You merely have to have your bloated corpse wash up on the shores of stardom at the tender age of 27. Well, okay maybe 27 is not exactly tender but think about some of the rock legends who have aged gracefully like Glenn hughes, Prince or Mike Patton and now think of these party monsters who just couldn't get their shit together enough to make it through another year and rather than clean up their act and grow old with us they had to check out of existence before checking in to rehab. Hell, some of these fuckers checked into rehab. So what happened? Maybe they saw Ozzy Osbourne stumbling, bumbling and mumbling in his old age on stage through songs that he should damn well know the lyrics to but doesn't and thought to themselves "Ouch. Don't wanna end up like that fucker." So what do they do? They climb the wall and head to a secluded house in Seattle and blow their brains out like Kurt Cobain or like Amy Winehouse they check in and out of rehab so many times they have a revolving door named after them and continue to try and have a career all the while being heralded for their Youtube appearences, not for their stellar performances mind you but because they were captured by a camera phone sneaking a hit of coke from their bee-hive hairdo's mid-song. Oh yeah, and then they go and die when they're only 27.
People like to argue that there is something to this 27 club business. Something karmic or cosmic. The truth is that it doesn't mean shit. Age is just a number and these people who live recklessly shall only die as such and it just so happened that check out time fell on this particular day of the calendar year. Still it might seem peculiar for so many great names in music to wind up jumping off the magic bus somewhere around the same time.
I completely understand that whole tortured artist thing. If nobody did copious amounts of drugs or drank incessantly we wouldn't have any art at all. It all makes for some damn fine music or what have you and provides the people of the world with what we love best. A good train wreck and like The Kinks once said you gotta "Give the people what they want". If these fuckers were choirboys or virgin schoolgirls we'd all be listening to Kenny G and admiring sidewalk cracks for depth and definition. So yeah, drugs and alcohol? Best thing that ever happened to us fans of pop culture and the staggering icons we gleefully support in their zenith and then rip down once they become irrelevant. It's what makes the world go round. Sex, drugs, rock-n-roll, pools of vomit and a good meltdown.
Amy winehouse became a household name in 2006 with her enormously successful release "Back to black". Since then she has become somewhat of a joke for her irratic behavior as a result of trading in her microphone for a crack pipe. But she can rest easy now because she has joined one of the most exclusive clubs there is. I mean, people are just dying to get into this club. There are several members. Too many to name in fact. Some of its members are probably familiar to a somewhat limited audience. Ron Mckernan will forever be known as "Pigpen" of The Grateful Dead by anybody who has ever dropped acid. Certainly the more "cult" of the pop culture elite are well aware who D. Boon or Mia Zapata are. Kristen Pfaff, who was the bass player for Hole that died of a heroin overdose brings to mind a quote from the movie "Walk hard: the Dewey Cox story"- "WRONG KID DIED!" After all who doesn't think it should have been bandmate Courtney Love snuggled into the role of daisy pusher?
Did you know that Alexander Bashlachev is also a member of the 27 club? Do you even know who Alexander Bashlachev is? Don't feel bad. Neither do I. But make no mistake about it, Amy Winehouse is in good company. She doesn't even have to be initiated either. Her only initiation was when she followed the advice of one of the mvp's and the grand poobah of the powers that be for the 27 club Mr. Mojo Risin' when she "broke on through to the other side" and garnered herself a first class club card after she .....well, details of her death are sketchy at the moment but given her history I'd be willing to wager that she choked on a rock or a cock or both. She's a newbie though so I'm sure she will be razzed a little as what happens when any new members join an outfit.
How will Winehouse fit in on the roster? Only time will tell. She'll have to earn her stripes by making beer runs for the higher ups in between diva tantrums and choir practice. Being considered royalty of the 27 club has its priveleges. Who will Winehouse have to answer to for eternity? Here are the elite members of the 27 club and their specs-
Robert Johnson-
Legacy- Bluesman. Credited with many as being the most important blues artist of all time. Known widely for a fable that his talent was harnessed as a result of a deal made with the devil at the crossroads. This gives him extra mad street cred.
Admission fee- Details are sketchy but he was believed to be poisoned by strychnine.
Rank- The first and arguably most important member of the crew. Pretty much every new member has to run by him before outgrowing their status as "his bitch".
Brian Jones-
Legacy- Guitarist for the Rolling Stones. Although since much of their current fan base is primarily familiar with only the geriatric Stones his legacy role can be debated on terms and conditions ranging from highly touted and essential to insignificant and "Who?" status.
Admission fee- Drowned in a swimming pool in what has thus far been considered the coolest sounding cause of death according to the coroners report. "Death by misadventure. "
Rank- A member since 1969 he is considered the class clown of the bunch. Although his uniquely emitted fart noises and infectious laugh render him only slightly higher on the scale than Janis Joplin. After all, she is a lady and everybody loves a funny lady. Still, Jones gets mad props and sympathy from even the Devil because of his early musical credentials and also because he has to spend all of eternity with that shitty haircut.
Jimi Hendrix-
Legacy- The master of the gee-tar and God of Hellfire.
Admission fee- Choked on his own vomit.
Rank- Forever embodies the term "Master" for his rambunctious nature and exceptional fire skills. The loudest of the bunch. Tends to brood less than his compatriots and his antics tend to get out of control. Has found a soulmate in crime for all eternity with Janis Joplin. In fact amongst the members of the 27 club they are often referred to as "Bonnie and Clyde."
Janis Joplin-
Legacy- Known for her soulful vocal prowess as well as her refusal to take the stage in footwear.
Admission fee- Apparent heroin overdose.
Rank- Wailing mistress of ceremonies. When the other members need somebody to either cough up a good jam or a lullaby and get the party started or ended Janis is their "go-to." But her practical joke skills and bold brand of humor often cause "incidents" and make her friends in low places very skittish. Still, she is a lady through and through and there is a lack of fun ladies in the 27 club. This has won her the label Queen Bee of "fun and funny shit."
Jim Morrison-
Legacy- Poet. Vocal sex god. Pro side of the argument for rabid hallucinogenic usage.
Admission fee- The fat dead guy in the bathtub.Though no autopsy was performed his death is said to be from heart failure.
Rank- Jim. Much prefers to be called Mr. Mojo Risin' because it sounds way cool. With his stellar charisma he persuaded several of the lower branch chapter to build him a throne so he could be forever known as the Lizard King and do anything. He is well known to be the most fluent of the bunch in brooding and whenever the evening needs a dash of reflection and depth he willingly takes the floor to much prodding and applause.
Kurt Cobain-
Legacy- Though once touted as the next John Lennon Cobain has most recently settled comfortably in his role of being the guy who used to be in a band with Dave Grohl.
Admission fee- The shotgun blast heard around the world and then ignored for a few days when mistaken for a buffalo fart until an electrician who asked himself "What's that smell? " found his tattered and disregarded corpse and proceeded to bargain a local radio station for Pink Floyd tickets. Had he not gotten them by the time they found Cobain they might never have been able to rinse the smell out of the block.
Rank- The sly fox of the group. The quiet one. The fact that he is considered to be the Anti-Christ by hair bands makes the Devil almost turn green with envy. Almost. Being an important though still relatively new member he has ceremoniously been voted as the guy who has to show Amy Winehouse the ropes. When Cobain saw one of those Youtube videos of her babbling incoherent mess disguised as song lyrics and reaching for her bee-hive hair-do for a sniff of powder he was overheard mumbling "Why do I have to be the new guy?" Though he is in deep awe of Morrison for his brooding talents Mojo refers to the "sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man" as "dick boy" for being the primary whiner of the group. The devil as well has taken to busting Cobains balls for referring to Jesus in his suicide note.
I guess the next thing anybody can do is wait around and place your bets as to who might be the next club member. Lady Gaga will be eligible in just two years. She would totally be a welcomed addition.
Although I'd sure hate to think we have to stomach two more years of that horrifically untalented bitchwhore before she croaks. I used to pull for Britney Spears but that worked out in the no panties to wash department because she gave us all that spectacular meltdown where she beat up a car with an umbrella. Three cheers for being a survivor!
*****From Musicequalzorgasm blog page. Original post date 7/24/2011*****
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