In case your head has been under a rock because somebody put it there, there is a movie out about fuckbook. I haven't seen it. My first reaction was that I find fuckbook to be completely irrelevant, so of course, why would I wanna sit in a theater for two hours and watch a movie about it?
Then, somebody told me that David Fincher had directed it.
I didn't exactly get wood or anything, but David Fincher is a truly unique visionary and I am fairly curious as to what he will bring to an otherwise completely insipid concept. Still, it ain't gonna get me into a movie theater.
I guess my first question would be the most obvious one..... why would somebody wanna make a movie about fuckbook? In case you are taking notes or anything, the not quite as obvious but still equally as necessary next question would be.... why would anybody want to watch a movie about fuckbook?
I haven't seen the movie and don't plan on seeing it until I can illegally burn it after renting it from shitflix. But, the movie does seem to be a hit. So, my 10-15 bucks will certainly not be missed by anybody.
Regardless of whether the movie is good or bad, the fact that David Fincher directed it will certainly allow it to stand above the average meaningless Hollywood soulsucking filmfuck frenzy that has been tossed onto a screen for the acutely impaired general public.
I believe that seemingly meaningless tripe can find itself rising above the commonplace churnings of the magical machine of movie muck should it have a more than capable director and captain at the helm. Although, most people who are in fact stupid enough to pay 10-15 bucks to sit in a crowded theater full of enthusiastic silver screen wanna-be's who give Oscar winning performances from their seats and will then pay another 20 bucks to hold soldier over a watered down carbonated beverage of their choosing and rub popcorn on their gums that has special butter just for them courtesy of that slow kid who got the job merely because of his mental insufficiencies that obstruct him from knowing that he should urinate into a toilet and not a popcorn bucket..... these type of people wouldn't know David Fincher from a fruit flavored urinal cake.
I am guessing that the cast has something to do with the success of this film more so than its director. Your typical bunch of pointless to be name dropped pretty faces. That guy who plays a lovable nerd in every movie that he's in. No, not THAT GUY. That other guy. Yeah.... him. With the curly hair. His head looks like one of my balls. That nerd.
Justin Boober is in it too, I think. Wait a minute...... no.... Justin..... the other guy.
Does it really matter what any of their names are? Maybe, but not to me.
Smart casting though, is a viable ingredient to a movies enormous success these days. Who cares that making a movie about fuckbook is about as enthralling as making a movie about the journey and lifespan of a Burger King onion ring fart? Stick some pretty people in front of the camera and have them act out any story and your film is a guaranteed blockbuster.
Riding the waves of the success of this fuckbook movie I decided to make a script of my own and I most recently gathered much interest in the project and initial casting has begun. I might even get to direct the piece of shit on account of nobody else wants to.
The movie tells the story of another completely pointless and so over website that I shall call drama.com
The story is fairly basic. It involves a bizarre cast of characters, all of which have lost touch with reality and find themselves merging their pea sized brains with a make believe world that exists only on the internet that, as previously stated, goes by the moniker of drama.com
Through a series of mis-adventures that mean absolutely nothing in the real world these characters band together to proficiently answer the age old question "if a grown man yells at another grown man on the internet, is it okay for them to eventually just get motel rooms with online access and have cyber sex as long as they promise to use ALL CAPS"? This tender hearted and absurd study in the lack of humanity is as well highlighted by the underlining theme that what happens on the internet shall stay on the internet, even if it should find itself copied and pasted on thought engines all around the world.
The story alone might not sound like much when compared to a movie about fuckbook that has an extremely attractive and sex juice inducing cast, but just you wait and see who myself and the producers have lined up for casting couch auditions and celebrity beer runs. I am sure that there are many movie lovers who are just chomping at the bits for a first hand peek at what we have in store.
Angelina Jolie top lines the brilliant array of thespians we have.
Her role as a once prom queen, who now lives in a cardboard box behind Buckingham Palace in hopes that they will one day invite her inside the gate and allow her to sit on the turtle watching bench in the royal gazebo so that she will know the feeling of her ass cheeks touching royal wood will surely garner her much more acclaim than she already has for adopting all of those smelly babies from around the world.
In fact, her character also knows a thing or two about motherhood as well, on account of through a series of liaisons with street sweepers she has shat out 37 illegitimate children, all of which have speech impediments and smell curiously like bacon bits.
Rosie O' Donnell has the truly most glorious role of all.
The Queen Bee. She leads the entire site in a cyber group hug and blogging orgy that makes the Guinness Book of World Records for producing the largest orgasm.
She continually gains support by faking her own death every other week and eventually opens Kool-aid stands on every street corner in the neighborhood. The Kool-aid is laced with laxatives and she forces all the local children to salute her and call her mammy by bribing them with toilet paper and bottles of axe body wash ass spray.
Renee Zellweger is going to play the same character that she plays in every movie you have probably never bothered to see her in. But, rest assured that she will bring a new found gusto to this particular role that shall undoubtedly make audiences everywhere feel a tightness and moisture in their private regions.
Her wilted butterplum, named Petunia Cloud-Sniffer, once held the crown and title for being the world’s happiest woman and was universally lauded for creating a dildo in the shape of the sun.
After suffering a nervous breakdown from misinterpreting the intentions of a stop sign and drowning a Boy Scout troop on a bus with her tears that she cried after they laughed at her because she had missed her stop, she was forced to wear a letter M for murder that was branded on her left breast. Nobody would have even known had she not had a penchant for always pulling out her breasts in public places and singing show tunes to her inverted nipples.
Sean Connery will bring a dashing aura of Scottish pride to the role of an angry old unemployed wanna be photographer who takes mental pictures and then forgets them.
He was laid off because he is lame beyond the furthest reaches of the term lame, and he steals the welfare checks from his next door neighbor and uses them to buy video games. This delusional love puppy also claims to have fathered three quarters of the neighborhood children, despite the fact that he has been impotent since his own conception.
Christopher Walken will play a very exciting role that shall absolutely add to his repertoire of distinguished impersonations. He is the reincarnation of William Shakespeare, respectfully referred to by the neighborhood street corner poets as Webo.
He is most famous for accompanying all the local housewives on a weekly picnic where he reads them poetry from the book of Gomez and he was once brought up on charges for illegally filming and posting videos on DudeToob of the women shoving cheese logs into their vaginas and shooting bull frogs with them.
I just love Steve Buscemi, so imagine my delight when we were able to procure his make believe services as the town drunk who works a series of odd jobs such as bathtub shitter and taint scrubber to the rich and immorally degenerated so that he can continue his upward climb on the status ladder from albino to wino.
I can assure you that the day Mr. Buscemi steps onto the set for the first time it will be high noon for all nips and dicks present.
Tom Green is going to be the neighborhood philosopher and Star Wars geek turned simpleton who everyday dons a cape made from a filthy bedsheet and tries unsuccessfully to fly into a brick wall.
I have no reservations that Green will bring this role to life and fly right off the screen and into the laps of anybody in the audience with a heart... and 3-D glasses too, because we are so excited about this project that while we are capitalizing on the example set by a fuckbook movie, we might as well milk that cow titty while we're at it.
Heath Ledger is going to play a disgruntled atheist who moonlights as a priest, in what he claims to be an attempt to infiltrate the system of a downward spiral.
I know what you're thinking. Isn't he dead? Well.... DUH. But, it’s the movies, silly. We can do whatever we want. Just put a little extra make up on him and the audience won't even be able to tell the difference. For a little comic relief, we are going to have Chris Tucker dub all of his lines.
You just try and picture that and not think BLOCKBUSTER.
Whitney Houston is going to make a monster screen comeback as Florence Daysipper. The voice of reason in the blogging kingdom.
She becomes a worldwide sensation when she writes a bestselling novel on a bunch of sanitary napkins pilfered from a dispenser in a bird bathroom called The Good Bloggers Manifest of Common Sense and Reach-arounds. There will also be a very exciting semi-nude scene where she has a pair of lips tattooed to one of her ass cheeks. For this scene, Houston has asked that the set hands be on a highly discriminatory work schedule that day. It will all work out though because we're going to save a little bit on the budget, since Whitney volunteered to be paid in crack.
Betty white is sidekick to Zellweger's Miss Happy-Pants. Her birth certificate mysteriously only carries the enscripted words “Yay Wow Neat". She's a simple lass and BFF to all of her invisible pets. Since she was a little girl, all she has ever wanted was to buy the world a Coke, then collect the bottles and turn them in so she could use the deposit fees to buy herself a moondress.
That Betty White.... she sure is old. We gotta get her while the getting’s good and she still has her girlish figure.
In a ground breaking gender bending role, dame Judi Dench will play the neighborhood old timer and resident flasher named Sparky. Of course she will have to wear a prosthetic sausage, as the role does require full frontal nudity.
Sparky is a complex mind boggler who claims to know all, see all, and hear all because he has read about it all in books. He once was a teacher at the Hawaiian University but was unanimously voted off the island and forced to swim to the Banana Republic and back in two hours. He claims to have done it in one.
Seth Rogen is going to play an honest and hard working man who makes every effort to be the best father to all of his children born out of wedlock by funding their educations and hobbies with his earnings that he has collected from being the inventor of anal beads.
He also has plans to design an ass ring that doubles as a brown collar for men who wear their shirts backwards. A very resourceful character and role for a truly gifted and entertaining funnyman.
What has me most excited though is that we have now officially secured Billy Bob Thornton to play the neighborhood redneck named Uncle Leon, who spends all of his free time licking the rims of outhouse toilet seats and belching the theme to Raw Hide. Since he finds it hard to keep a steady job on the account of his breath issues, free time is all this lovable hillbilly schlub does have.
The most truly mind blowing and brilliant aspect of this character is that Billy Bob will say all his lines in Karl speak. Karl being the role he played in the hilarious and utterly genius comedy Sling Blade, which is one of my favorite films of all time. It has long been a dream of mine to stand in the same room and hear Billy Bob say "I reckon you can make me some biscuits" up close. Thankfully, the magic of movies and the ability to never stop believing has now at last made this a reality.
Do I smell a hit? Well, I did just eat some Burger King onion rings, so maybe not. But do know this much..... an uproarious and mentally challenged good time for all is soon to be filmed and shall be stinking up a theater screen near you. So, grab some of that favorite watered down soda piss and popcorn that has been dunked in slow Timmy’s toxic body waste and get ready to have your mind blown.
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*****Original post date 10/10/10*****
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