I ended up in a card store yesterday and I saw something that absolutely made my jaw drop to the floor. It's no secret that these days they seem to have a card for everything. Birthdays and holidays are just a given. But nowadays, the ideas that card companies come up with just seem to be stretching the concept of falling under what a greeting card signifies in my opinion. Greetings are meant to be simple and pleasant, right?
I personally have never really understood why you would give a card to somebody that is standing right in front of you. I mean, okay.... I'm a great big sap, so the whole romance thing I can come to terms with. It's sweet. No doubt.
Giving a card to somebody that says
"I love you"-
"I'm thinking about you"-
"I wanna slurp the sweat off your funky ass like a rottweiler drinking out of a dog bowl"-
I'm a romantic. So, I'm down for all that. Although, I gotta say what is obviously in need of being said here..... if you do indeed love somebody or are thinking about them.... or... that other thing..... why not just tell them?
Happy birthday. Have a nice holiday. Have a nice day. I just think these are all things that sound better and far more personable rolling off the tongue than being handed to somebody in an envelope like they are being summoned for jury duty. Well, unless of course the card has money in it.... then, yeah.... I'm totally down for that.
If somebody lives next door from you and you just don't feel like walking over to knock on their door and say
"Hey! Fucker! Happy hope you get a job soon so you can go buy a lawnmower and stop stealing mine day!"
Then I certainly can appreciate the significance found in a card. I just have always felt the need to say something I thought up myself and pulled from the heart gallery rather than send a card to some distant relative.... and by distant I don't mean geographically challenged or genetically speaking, but rather distant as in they live five minutes away and I still haven't felt the need or urge to speak to them in 15 years.
Cards are so syruppy and ridiculous to me. I mean, I am a very passionate person. I'm romantic as fuck all. I am somewhat of a poet too, so I guess I just find that the sentiments oozing from these cards would be better left unwritten or unspoken in my opinion. What I think clearly doesn't mean shit though since the greeting card industry is like a monsterously well endowed porn star when it comes to making bank. An idea made reality alone by all the douchebags who try to get laid on Valentines day and go buy a sloppy sweet confection card loaded down with some gag inducing prose written by a fat old lady who probably hasn't seen a penis since they cancelled M.A.S.H.
Of course, if one is trying to indeed gain sympathy for being a casanova who with-holds the cock for the other 364 days of the year, your chances are made much better if you throw in a teddy bear, a bouquet of roses hand picked straight from the counter at 7-11 and some chocolates that will make your honey pot of love shit all night while you're trying to squeeze a few blasts of dick cream in between her toilet visits. All part of the business of romance.
I rarely buy cards though. If I want to wish somebody a happy Hannukah or a fur popping groundhogs day I just go over to their house and do it or call them on the phone. I'm pretty basic with my sentiments and always honest with my sappy shit factor. I don't hug my male friends. So I don't feel like I should buy them a card that says
"Man hugs for you and you and only you, my sweet man biscuit."
Oh, and these greeting card makers seem to fancy themselves quite the poet. First off, dudes do not give other dudes anything that rhymes. Even if it's something as simple as
"You're a guy. So am I. My heart it tugs. Sending hugs."
Not gonna happen.
Besides, this shit is not poetry. Poetry comes from the heart and speaks to the heart. A greeting card comes from an envelope. It also says things like
"When I think of you and smile, it's just for a little while. After all is said and done, my bowels flair up and run."
Yeah. Not poetry. Cute. It rhymes. But not poetry.
But the greetings just keep greeting and the cards keep coming for anything and everything that one can think of. Graduation, having a baby, you're old, you're young, you're well hung. Or not. They got cards to pets. From pets. Hey, look.... I love my dog. But..... SHE'S A DOG!
The novelty of a card is somehow lost when its given to or from an animal. Especially when one might consider these card stores often implement a NO PETS ALLOWED policy via a big sign on the fucking door!
I saw a card once for a woman that just had a baby that said something like "Wow! You just had a baby! And your boobs look great!"
Okay, first off.... why would you give somebody a card for having a baby in the first place? I mean, a card like that basically says
"You went off the pill, you got poked on a hill. Add another to the batch, like the one that just squeezed out of your snatch."
Does somebody need to be given a card like that? Yeah, I didn't think so either.
As for telling somebody how amazing their knockers look..... eh, okay... I'm a guy. I'm down with that. But I'm a firm.... huh huh huh huh... firm... believer in equal opportunity. So if you're gonna tell someone how great their rack looks I only think it's proper etiquette to not leave out the.... uhhh.... not so great.
Maybe a card that says
"Your tits are literally out of sight. At first I thought they were a bug bite."
But yesterday.... that took the cake. I guess it's been a while since I have been in a card store and I saw they now have a chemo section. That is what it says on the divider. CHEMO.
Yep, now you can buy a greeting card for all your friends who are currently dying of cancer and undergoing chemo treatments. How special. Nothing says that you care more deeply to someone who is losing their hair, expelling from every orifice on their body and has lost all their energy like a card that says
"You have cancer! Please don't die."
Maybe add a little sad face for extra added effect.
Lines need to be drawn at times and there just should be no place for greeting cards that say
"Gimme a C.... gimme an A..... gimme an N...." ..... Yeah, you see where I'm going with this.
But, once again.... hey.... down here. I'm just a dick dangling on a blog site. Who cares what I think? Certainly not the card companies or even the card buyers. Even though I am one myself.
Is nothing sacred anymore? Doesn't anybody draw the line anywhere? Greeting cards are light. They are meant to lift spirits. But, sometimes.... some things.... you know what I'm saying? Some stuff is just better left unsaid.
Anything poop related.
Sorry you can't poop. Sorry you can. Sorry you poop too much. Too little. Too watery. Too solid. Color. Texture.
Period. Anything that references bowels or their creations or lack thereof is just not something that I want to see on a greeting card. To or from.
Std's.
This would probably make a good gag gift. Especially for the people who have a whole lot of one night stands and also happen to have a twisted sense of humor. But, who the fuck wants to be seen picking one out and purchasing it? Should they ever decide to give this idea a whirl, I am thinking the internet would be the way to go here.
Puberty.
Everybody loves kids. Well, not me. But everybody else it seems. They got communion, graduation, and off to college cards. All noteworthy rites of passage. So, why not celebrate that deepness in voice, change in body, and those first tufts of hair in new places? For extra added effect they could make a musical card and have an audio clip of that Peter Brady voice changing song. Remember that shit?
Come to think of it.... if they made a card like this I would buy it! I'd totally wanna give that to somebody. Hell, I'd give it to somebody I didn't even know just for shits and giggles. Okay, yeah.... that would just be creepy. Scratch that.
Losing your virginity.
While we're doing the kid thing here we might as well work our way down those priceless rites of passage. Maybe kids these days don't value sex and virtue so much anymore. But, pre-teen hussies all over the globe are just begging to be given a card at the next family get together that says
"Cherries bleed, and so did you. If you get pregnant your life is through. Love and ((((HUGS))))).... as if you didn't already have enough of that."
Erectile dysfunction.
The true measure of a man is like that beauty thing. Or fugly thing, depending on just who we are talking about here.... in the eyes of the beholder. But, I'm here to tell you that us men sure do love our junk with a passion that defies description. Mostly because it doesn't need a description. It's ours. We love it. Pretty simple, really.
Not being able to make the grade because your ruler won't rule is a sad fact of life for many. Why not make these droopy dick sumbitches feel at least a little bit better about their worthless excuse for a life by showing just how much you care.
"Life is hard, but not for you. Here is a card, for all that you can't do."
I would become all choked up from such a touching array of sympathy, and that would totally make me forget about my softness issue and keep me from wanting to put a bullet in my brain.
You're old.
They actually do make cards for old people. But, hey.... while we're making the cancer patients feel better about themselves as they wither away, why not make the real old schoolers feel better even if in fact they feel like poop because.... well, maybe they in fact can't poop... this is something that just begs to be made more fun.
"Thinking of you as you mold. Don't worry Grandpa.... you're getting old."
Hell, that could be the front of the card, and then you open it up and it says "I SAID YOU'RE OLD!!!!!!!!!!!"
They will thank you for being so thoughtful, and also for the fact that they have not gone blind. Hey, if the person isn't deaf maybe give them one with audio for those relatives that are extra special and worth the shout out.
They got cards for depressed people. Cards for people with bad breath. Cards for people with excessive body odor, such as stink dick or swampass. There are cards for recovering alcoholics and drug addicts fresh out of detox. Actually, I might have made a few of these up.
But, who knows? Maybe these types of cards can't be far off. There seems to be such an over indulgence of under indulging when it comes to stuffing your face. Maybe they could benefit these poor souls with a line of anorexia or bulimia themed cards. You know, for the kids. For charity. All the proceeds could go to the BTMFAC foundation.
You know, to Buy These MotherFuckers A Cheeseburger.
Like I said, cards seem so impersonal to me. But that is just me. Maybe sometimes people like being afforded the option to say things they would never say to people they would never even speak to in the first place. Why not add some flair and imagination to the mix? Shit man, the possibilities are endless.
I love you.
I hate you.
I miss you.
I diss you.
Wanna go steady?
Wanna do the horizontal bop?
Let's get married.
Let's get divorced.
Let's buy a dog.
Let's get a horse.
The house needs work.
Sorry I'm such a jerk.
You're hot.
You're not.
You're all I got.
You're all I need.
Wanna buy some speed?
Let's get naked.
Let's get drunk.
Can I put my tool in your trunk?
Wanna go out?
Wanna stay in?
Auntie saw Christ.
Let's put her in the looney bin.
My goose is cooked.
On smack I'm hooked.
You're better than that job.
Sorry you were overlooked.
Kill yourself. Kill your boss.
I'm hiv positive.
With a happy face.
Think I'll get a job at the Red Cross.
After all, if you can not have a life at least you can give somebody a card and make theirs less pointless.
*****Original post date 8/14/2010*****
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