*****Another story that resulted from a writing challenge. As well, another challenge dedicated to one of my favorite writers. This time it was James Newman. I took a bunch of his book titles and used them in a story.*****
The woods were dark and cold and thus provided the perfect forum for rituals of olden. The heart of winter was beating furiously in efforts to keep away anyone stupid enough to be out in the freezing temperatures on this night. The coven would have it in their good faith that no one would care to venture into the woods even should they be drawn by screaming or flame and so the events which soon would unfold could stay buried deep within the now wilted and quivering caverns of shrubbery.
People are strange but the people of Devils Dork are downright wicked. Their animosity, though it could certainly be forced indoors by midnight rain, tonight crowded the clearing where a pentagram was painted in the diarrhea of its members and outlined the area where a sacrifice would soon be made in the name of Lord Philbin because he was really pissed off. Lord Philbin was the successor to the great Lord Bosomzebub and though many did not necessarily agree with all of his decisions made in the name of the church and township few had the nerve to speak up until Stedman moved there from the filthy city of Dungstown.
Stedman vocally opposed Lord Philbin as often as possible and this had earned him the label of trouble making fucknut and a special place in Lord Philbin's blackened heart. This would be a place so special that Stedman now found himself bare assed naked and spread eagle in the clearing with shrinkage. As much as Stedman loathed shrinkage this would soon be the least of his worries as he was only moments away from having a tree limb blessed by the repugnant one himself shoved into his anal cavity repeatedly before the coven of dirty bitches and bastard sons would drown him in their fecal discharge as they sang Black Sabbath songs backwards in the cold and crusty night air. The club of evil assholes (or the C.E.A. as they are known to many on the B.F.I.'s most warted list) had really wanted to burn Stedman's doo dads with fire because it is dope as fuck but the shrinkage prevented them from actually seeing them and so they were unable to be identified accurately.
"Looks like another evening of Sabbath and poo," groaned one of the devil mongers.
As the demonic role call sounded off there was unwelcomed movement in the near distance. A 70's style porno bush cloaked she who can not be named but is sometimes referred to as O. She was a merciless mercenary and former presidential running mate of Walid Ali Muhammad Shazbot Abdul Wooly Bully Hama Rama Shing Shawnk. Shrinkage or not, Stedman was her man and nobody was gonna tie up O's man and shove a tree limb into his ass unless it was her. She loaded her glock and pulled out a vial filled with army ants infected with the RAIDS virus and she smiled because it was now getting started like a revenge flick. Oh yeah, shit was going down and not just on Stedman's face. O stepped from behind the 70's style porno bush and pointed her glock at Lord Philbin.
"Alright motherfucker, get your hands off my man or else I'm 'a' pop a cap in all ya'll monkey asses."
Lord Philbin let loose with demonic laughter and pointed to the skies.
"Come, my feathered fiends. Meet our guest."
O looked up and saw a pack of wild geese erupt from the branches of the tree overhead.
Lord Philbin grabbed his sac and his face curled up like a butt cheek.
"I think you will find my flying goose pimples tainted with Cherpes will foil your plans, girlfriend."
O started blasting all around and then pulled out the vial with the RAIDS virus infected army ants in it before holstering her little friend.
"I ain't your girlfriend," she pointed to Stedman," that right there is my man and we are getting out of this biaaaatch."
She covered her face with a pair of her old grannie panties from when her ass looked like a love seat and she dumped the army ants and the virus into the air. This time it was O who let forth demonic laughter because now shit was about to get real.
*****To be continued*****
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