Hugo Hitler-
Hellboy-
Heretic-
Hustler.
Happily Hoping Hazardous Health Hindering Horrors-
How Hard He Hasn't Hypothesized Heaps-
However His Harmony Hinges Hungrily Humans Have Heartache.
Hardship Herald's Hoopla Hardly Handicapping His Happy Hour.
Havoc Hardening His High Hopes Herculean.
Homicidal Humour Heals His Hibernating Hate Harvest.
Hullabaloo Heat Hypnotizes Him Horny.
"Hoo-Hah!" Hark's Heroic Heathen-
Hilarity Heaving His Head-
Hijacking Horizon-
Hysterically Heavenward-
Hunting Holocaust.
*****
Hugo Hitler sat in a chair that barely housed his bulbous ass cheeks outside of a cafe in the city of Stinkcheese, France.
His companion, a hermaphrodite who only goes by the name of Shim, spit shis cheese from both mouth and nose at Hugo's story because Hugo Hitler is just too damn funny for an out of work and out of bounds, has been heretic, hustling Hellboy. Shim began coughing and the air smelled like dick cheese for scant seconds prior to being whisked away by that stink of Francais dew day. Shim took a drink of frog broth to kill the aftertaste and agony. In the mouth was left a tasty skid mark on shis tongue but the trail exiting the nostrils burned like widlfire.
The cafe was not exactly well attended on this foggy morning. A morning that smelled an awful lot like an angry bowel. The morning dew more so resembled morning doo doo and this made Hugo ecstatic because he loves the stench of fresh fecal matter in the morning. Especially when it belongs to someone else. Sharing is caring and being on the receiving end of such warmth made his nipples poke through his pigskin vest.
There was a single coffee whore named Wretchen servicing the customers. At this very moment the patron sum would consist of only Hugo, Shim and some man who was taking advantage of the early to rise newly morning yum yum horny happy hour as Wretchen banged her head into the bottom of the table quite enthusiastically as to insure a healthy tip. Hugo and Shim licked their lips as they stared and laughed. Once their laughter died down the man a few tables over grunted and presumably shot a load that was tainted with super powers because Wretchen backflipped from between his groin, busted the table in half and her carcass that was now soaked with her own blood and superhero spooge landed in the middle of the street.
The man was indeed a superhero as could be deduced when he threw off his whacking coat, turned it inside out and changed it into a cape and then flew off into the crusted morning stink having been orally satisfied and not even asked to pay for his latte. This made Hugo laugh even louder but he noticed that Shim was all laughed out and that greatly disturbed him. Shim spit an enormous glob of phlegm from shis mouth and then resumed drinking what was left of shis frog broth despite that it was mostly backwash and there was no longer a coffee whore to satisfy shis thirsty needs.
There was far too much silence now as the coffee whore named Wretchen lay dead in the streets and her lifeless corpse somehow made Hugo realize that his life had been rather uneventful as of late and that in running out of adventures he was also running out of stories to enchant his public with. The look on shims face seemed to suggest shehe knew this as well from shis mind reading talents and now Hugo was pissed off.
"I know what you are thinking, Shim," he grumbled.
Shim smiled before cramming a phallic shaped nugget of cheese into shis mouth and tried desperately not to gag from shis deep throating antics. Only after swallowing did shehe speak.
"And what would that be, Hugo my dahling?" This was followed with an open wide grin to confirm shis mouth was now empty though happily coated with cheese wiz.
"You would like me to stir shit up again like spoon in an ass cavity."
Shim began hopping up and down in shis chair and clapping like a sexy seal. Then shehe began to finger shiself.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's right! Talk me baby talk me. Say more say more!"
Shim appeared to be on the verge of shis orgasmic cataclysm but since the dining area was so desolate nobody was able to be offended or join in. Thus Hugo continued to voice his plans loudly over Shims moaning.
"Once I penetrated the rim of Heavens anus. There, it was good good indeed. Though I was only acting on behalf of the Hitler legacy in response to my impotent brother, this time will be different."
Shim stopped masterbaiting only long enough for a single sentence.
"Bro was noodle laggon?" This was spoken to pinky finger held high in wiggle mode before resuming play.
This got a laugh from Hugo because since he and Adolf bathed together at an early age and then later had shared fun holes he knew this to be true. Then his smile was so sharp that it curved his entire face like a question mark despite there being no question as to what he must do.
Before their conversation could go any further Hugo and Shim were interrupted by a man wearing a cowboy outfit.
"Excuse me there pardners," the cowboy looked at Shim writhing in the chair and tipped his hat,"sorry to disturb you but are either of you going to fuck that nice looking corpse over there in the street?"
Both waved their hands and smirked at each other. The cowboy placed his thumbs in his belt belt buckle and galloped eagerly into the street.
Shim leaned in to Hugo and whispered.
"Those cowboy necrophiliacs are so Charlie Bronson in Red sun."
This drew laughs from them both.
"Where was I? Ah yes, I shall bring Hell to high plains and then I rain down the pain. Bring the corn to shit country. For me this time and not that lame brained genetic mutation I call baby brother."
Shim had finished fingering shiself and was now smoking Chesterfields from each nostril so that shehe would be able to speak if need be.
"Your brother was a visionary. That must suck to have to follow his act."
Hugo slammed his fist so hard onto the table that all the other tables in the dining area toppled over as his table inched into the concrete, driven by his brutish penis envy.
"My brother was eunich! It was I wanted to squash the entire universe like big weird bug. He was pussy with this one race at a time nonsense. I wanted to be like supersize menu and go big. His lack of testicular momentum caused him to not only think small but act it."
"So what are you saying? You mean like the holocaust was some kind of blueprint?"
"Blueprints.... juprints. I will execute them all this time. This turd called human beans will just bean imprints in the dead sand. The blood of my enemies shall color the dead sea like shit stains on a short bus seat."
Shim lit up two more Chesterfields and stuck them in each nostril again. The vague expression on shis face suggested that shehe was unimpressed but Hugo rolled out anger like a flopping titty.
"My brother is shame to my genetic diarrhea! He only wanted me to charm him into Heaven so that he could build a nightclub."
Shim perked up from being slumped in his seat.
"Oooooooooooooo was that the Hummina Hummina Hut?"
Hugo groaned.
"You have heard of it?" He asked.
"Of course! Andy Warhol blogged about it from the afterlife. Your brother is an s-t-a-r star!"
"My brother is a nutless peasant! He had me waste charms in thinking that he was going to bust shit up and all he did was open up a dead pussy factory! I am the meat and potatoes of the Hitler family chow line. Who rebuilt the city of Sodom and relocated it to downtown Hades?"
"You did, my filthiness," Shim replied in a tone void of enthusiasm.
"And who took all the residents of Angel city and sent them to anal beach for back door barbecue during bed Spring breaks?"
Shim began rolling shis eyes knowing full on where this was going.
Only greeted by Shims silence and slurping noises coming from the cowboy and the dead coffee whore named Wretchen in the street Hugo continued.
"Who delivered the dirty nuns in a box car to the Jesus ranch?"
"That was you. Again again." Shim was teetering on boredom.
"No more Hugo nice guy! I shall use my hard on for heresy and my anal vapors to cloud destitution from the Heavens to Harlem. From Watts to West Port and Egypt to bean dip. I shall claim the universe and all that is above and beyond as my own. Meanwhile wiping that smirk from Gods face and lighting fires to his ass hair."
"You forget something mein fry hair," Shim moaned with dryness.
Hugo bugged out Marty Feldman eyes and quivered his lip like Elvis in a pharmaceutical segueway.
"What?"
"You have been to Heaven already. You jammed the portal for baby bro. Remember?"
Hugo looked on annoyed.
"Come again?"
Shim waved shis hand and laughed.
"I couldn't even if I had an extra hand Hugo dahling. But, do you just think they are gonna be unprepared for your weenie ass and let you march right in like you own the place?"
"I have that covered you hanging hog testicle and I will own that place! I won't stop there either. I have an angle. A friend with an advantage."
Shim beamed like a spotlight and rattled like a maraca filled with anal beads.
"Tell me more tell me more, like who is this friend? Tell me more tell me more, is this really the end?"
"George Burns...... and yes."
Shim felt pavement against shis bottom lip as shis entire lower jaw cavity smacked onto the ground.
"Are you kidding me? The old guy?"
"They have a cloud bar in Heaven named after him. He shows up on occasion to tell shitty jokes that tortured souls are forced to laugh at out of pity and save for grace and their place in sweet Heavenly estate. Those fucking prickholes! He studied God closely for his roles in those shitty movies in the 70's. I don't think there is a better candidate. Besides I bribed him with box of Dutch ass masters cigars."
Both stopped and stared at the cowboy having his way with Wretchen's corpse in front of them.
"He really is just like Charlie Bronson," Shim said,"but I did think he was gonna take his hat off."
Both sat there watching the cowboy make sloppy dead coffee whore love to Wretchen's corpse which had now found itself bent backwards due to the cowboys overactive enthusiasm. He mounted the lower portion of her carcass and began to hump it like a rock star.
Shim poured the final drop of frog broth from shis cup and made a hmph noise.
"Hugo dahling I am growing bored of this amateurish porn fest. I have many musician friends brandishing both organs waiting at my palace for a little cunnilingus concerto and sodomaniac showcase. Would it be possible for you to use a little bit of your charm and get that coffee whore to come back from the dead and get me one more frog juice for the road?"
Hugo smiled and clapped his hands together eighteen times. Three times in successions of six times each ....or six-six-six.
He pointed at the street and laughed.
"Watch this, my friend."
The corpse of Wretchen began to bend itself upwards from the pavement and in doing so clutched the cowboys manhood in the rotted fuck hole between her legs. Her legs crunched together and when she moved off to the side the cowboy screamed as his sex shooter was ripped from his body. A spray of gore as if shot from a garden hose erupted from his groin and he fell to the ground drenched in both blood and tears. As the cowboy whose days as a necrophiliac were surely over because he had no dick rolled around in the street and screamed like a bitch the zombie coffee whore named Wretchen approached the table with re-ups on their previous order without Hugo having to tell her what they were having. It was most impressive because both Shim and Hugo had no idea that zombies had such good memories.
Hugo raised his glass of urine to meet Shims frog broth.
"A toast. To when I am finished with this glass of girl pee and I can go and take over the Heavens," he downed about half the glass,"and then the rest of the world."
Shim toasted and drank shis fetid beverage. Shehe put the glass back onto the table and nodded at the still bleeding and screaming cowboy in the street who was now in the path of an oncoming rv.
"I better get going Hugo dahling before that cowboy is sprayed all over the dining area and I have to change my shirt."
Hugo raised his index and middle fingers to his skull as if they were a pistol.
"Happy trails, my hermaphroditic friend."
As Shim had predicted the rv hit the cowboy and pulverized his screaming like a pussy ass bitch into next week. Shim had already walked away and was laughing, leaving shis words trailing behind as Hugo plotted his domination covered in wanna-be necrophiliac cowboy gore.
"He sure ain't no Charles Bronson."
*****This was culled from 2 different pieces from 2 different writing challenges. The first part was from an old scribbles challenge, dated 8/8/2011, which was to compose something based around a single letter beginning every sentence. I think there is a name for that sort of thing but I don't know what it is. This was my first, and last, time trying this. The story that follows was from another challenge. The one me and Pastormike used to do. His theme was heathenism. I had already done the other piece so the subject of Hugo Hitler was a no brainer. Since the story is a direct continuation from the events that transpired in the first part I decided to put them both together here and make one piece from what once was two. The original post date on the story part was 8/25/2012*****
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