Can somebody please explain to me what exactly is sex addiction and how does one find themselves checking into sex rehab? I mean, okay . . . . . People claim to be addicted to narcotics, caffeine, nicotine, food, and alcohol-
Substances.
I disagree with much of this too, but I can see how someone with an empty existence can mistake a jelly donut or a vial of crack for comfort and claim to be addicted. We've all probably made the same mistake from time to time. Some things are just so awesome they simply must be addictive, right?
Studies have shown how sugar, caffeine, and various narcotic substances can make someone crave them once their system has become accustomed to being spiked. It’s all a matter of opinion though. Cravings. Addictions. What your mind tells you that you need and what your body actually needs in order to keep from shutting down is a completely different set of issues to me.
But, sexual addiction? Checking into sex rehab?
I had no idea there was a such place as a sex rehab clinic. That certainly seems like an awful lot of wasted revenue just because somebody wants to test that whole "if you don't stop it you'll go blind" theory.
I remember first reading a little about it a few years ago when I read that Michael Douglas was being treated for sex addiction. But, he is a movie star and movie stars do all sorts of crazy shit for publicity stunts, so I just blew it off.
So, now of course one of the big stories in the news lately is Tiger Woods and his infidelity.
But, he is in sex rehab now and seeking help. Ummmmm. . . . . Okay. Help for what? For banging women? I wasn't aware that was a disease. For jerking off non-stop? Shit, I need to get a straight jacket then. For cheating on his wife? What ever happened to talking it out and fixing the marriage or just getting a divorce?
No no no no no no . . . . . All this is too simple. Plus, the guy has like a billion dollars and he needs to redeem himself before losing all his endorsements, so what is a golf playing vagina craving rich guy to do? Yep, you guessed it . . . . .
Check into sex rehab.
First off, we all know he has a sickness and needs help because Dr. Drew said so.
Dr. Drew hasn't been as visible since he split from Adam Corolla, so what better way to grab some attention pie than to go on 20/20 or sit on Oprah's couch and diagnose someone else’s marriage problems? I mean, shit . . . Bring it on Dr. Drew. The only thing Tiger needs now is to have Dr. Ruth chime her wrinkly ass rhetoric in there and we can have a rhetoric sandwich on wrinkly bread.
Is it just me or does Dr. Ruth look like Mel Brooks with a vagina? I mean, that is assuming that because she claims to be a sex expert that she actually does in fact have a vagina. Sorry, but I don't think I need Mel Brooks with or without a vagina telling me who to fuck and how to fuck and how many times and where and when and what to do with the leftovers.
I got a little curious about the idea of sex addiction because I just don't understand it. I found plenty of information obviously because that is what the internet is for, but . . . . . Well . . . . . I still don't understand the idea of someone wanting or needing to fuck to be a sickness and the idea that someone needs to check into a clinic to be told by some short, fat doctor with a hairy back that we should go find a hobby that doesn't involve spilling semen.
Did you know that sex addiction can lead to such abnormal behavior as
Compulsive masturbation? . . . . . And this is a bad thing how? (Well, as long as you also practice time management)
Multiple or anonymous sex partners? . . . . . . Jesus buddy, you just diagnosed half the planet.
Multiple affairs and infidelity? . . . . . Shit, that’s half the married people in existence right there.
Unsafe sex? . . . . . . Come on, this isn't the 80's anymore. Nobody pays any attention to detail. It’s just strip and bone away now. Just put it somewhere without flies or fleas and you should be good to go.
Consistent use of pornography? . . . . . . This just diagnosed 99% of the men on the earth. Not sure about the women, but surely at least 45%.
Prostitution? . . . . . Yeah, I think most women that become prostitutes are thinking to themselves "gee, I like to slurp meatsicles all day and spend my free time humped over a chair or a sink in a mensroom, I must be a sex addict and seek help right away and forget about paying my rent or buying food."
Sexual harassment? . . . . . . Isn't that what fat bosses are for?
Rape/molestation? . . . . . . Sorry, I just always thought these people were deviants. These poor people need help. Castration and being in jail with Bubba is too good for them.
Exhibitionism? . . . . . Come on, you're going to deprive little old men in raincoats that one true joy they have left?
Voyeurism? . . . . . . . I thought this was perfectly acceptable if somebody has their curtains open and just happens to be standing buck ass naked in front of the window.
Obsessive dating through personal ads? . . . . . . Hey now. Us misanthropes need love too.
This stuff is not a result of a legitimate sickness. It’s various deviant or slightly off colored kinky behavior that most of the people in the population have exhibited at one time or another. So then, we're all sex addicts?
Okay . . . . Let us say I go to a meeting and stand up in an over crowded room and announce "Hi my name is Bungle Grind and I am a sex addict" . . . . . . And this is a problem how again?
Some of the symptoms that sex addict’s exhibit are -
Gaining little satisfaction from sexual activity . . . . . Hey, let me tell you that if your legs are not spread eagle in the air and your knees are not quivering like jello and you're not pulling hair and gnashing teeth like a filthy animal then you need to find someone else to roll in the mud with.
No emotional bond is formed with their partner . . . . . You just described the concept of casual sex, which is a majority of the uglies being bumped outside your window at this very moment.
Guilt or shame . . . . I wouldn't say I have ever felt shame. But, I have felt guilt a few times. You got a problem with that?
Denial . . . . . . As in denying there is a problem in the first place, maybe? Problem? What problem?
Treatment of sexual addiction is said to remain focused on controlling the addictive behavior and helping one to develop a healthy sexuality.
Okay, so what exactly is a healthy sexuality? I always figured that if it didn't involve poo or pee or barnyard animals it's all good.
Some of the treatments involve, but are certainly not limited to, counseling and marital therapy. If you think you might need to spend a shitload of cash on something like this I can save your pocketbook right now with one good healthy diagnosis. Let us use basketball metaphors, and I will tell you this . . . . . The best way to have a safe and happy sexual existence for all parties involved is this . . . . . Get it all in the hoop, and try not to spill any on the court. Condition cured. Now, play ball.
No, but science wants your money. All of it. There is a 12-step recovery program. 12 steps! I can think of one good one. If you are ever in a public place and unable to have a sexual encounter and you feel the need to jack off, Bungle Grind suggests that you either find a quiet place or try to picture Susan Boyle naked eating a bowel of ice cream. That would surely destroy even the most rampaging erection. Oh, and do note that public restrooms do not equal privacy. Just ask George Michael. Different blog altogether though. Sorry.
Then of course they have a pill for everything. Why? Medications cost big bucks baby. The most commonly prescribed medications for sexual addiction are Prozac and anafranil. So, okay . . . . Once again . . . . I'm a sex addict and I need help. But, instead of just talking down my hard on or watching a movie where Kathy Bates appears naked (yes, there really is one of these) I should spend a shitload of money on something that is going to cause nausea, headaches, diarrhea and fatigue?
I shit myself and I have headaches and vomit all over everything and I’m tired all the time . . . . . But, I don't get those unwanted erections anymore. Life is good now.
Call me kooky, but I like getting erections. It brings me down to earth and makes me realize that all life ain't so bad as long as I can still cut wood or pitch a tent. Another side effect of anafranil is "ejaculation failure." Jesus . . . . That just sounds nightmarish to me. Prozac causes decreased sex drive and "ejaculation problems." I would say failing to ejaculate is as horrid a problem as a dick can have, wouldn't you? Dick says so.
I guess I just don't understand how sex and wanting sex and thinking about it and craving it is a bad thing. I mean, so bad that we should crush our sex drives and destroy our will to live because someone can't save their shitty marriage?
If your marriage sucks so bad then get the hell away from each other. Don't take it out on the one thing that still manages to bring you joy in this wretched life. Your private parts.
I mean, after all . . . . Your privates are not the enemy here that gets you into trouble all the time. Your heart and brain do all the thinking and planning and acting out. Your privates just do the dirty work that your stupid hearts and minds tell them to do. So, if you're gonna go to rehab . . . . Don't drag your doodads and donut holes. Bring your brains and your lying evil blackened hearts and make them pay for the damage they caused you.
One love. With tongue.
BG
****Original post date 1/22/2010****
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