THE OCTUPLET MOM IS MY FAVORITE CELEBRITY

My name is Nicholas. My hobbies include chasing squirrels,vodka golf, and outrunning the LAPD while under the influence of  LSD. I'm looking for a wholesome, Southern girl who is not afraid to get down on all fours and bark like a dog. I do have my own knee pads to lend if that helps.

My name is Chaz and I'm looking for a girl with strong family values. Followers are encouraged and leaders need not reply. I love nature, music, and mass genocide. I know I can make a girl feel like she sees God because I am God.

My name is Eric. I am a firm believer in letting a bitch be a bitch and a ho be a ho and one should never hate a player because at heart, that is what I am.....  a true player. I'm looking for a special woman. A woman who will be a strong role model for my many out of wedlock kids. She must know how to dress up and look like a lady, and not be afraid if I accidentally set her on fire. Most of all, she must have a positive outlook because I am HIV-positive.

My name is Chuck and I like to fuck.

My name is J-Bro. It's a mans world, but womens make me feel good. I like busting a groove and busting a nut. I'm looking for a sensitive and sloppy lady of the evening who will never speak her mind and is prone to letting me get in that ass on a daily basis.

My name is Fritz. I believe that women are the fruit of the loom and I long to find my true concubine. I am into scheisse films and making meat pies. I love a girl with a firm and protruding buttocks. Sexy is my favorite food group.

My name is John. I stabbed my last girlfriend to death with a bobby pin. But I hope that will not hurt my chances of finding a special woman with enough eyes to see the real me. Two should work. I like to go for long walks in the park after dark and steal womens purses and I like to light my farts on occasion. I'm looking for a woman who knows how to throw back a pint and still get her point across without slurring too much. Someone who is uber slutty at heart is a bonus.

My name is Theodore. I'm a mama's boy who is into whips and chains and likes to be called daddy because I never had one. I'm looking for a woman with special needs. Someone not afraid to be who they are. A woman who would allow me to treat her with respect and authority. I like to be tied up and beaten with a lamp chord until my ass cheeks bleed and I like pecan pie.

My name is Adolfo. I am a newly transferred hetero-sexual who likes santeria and using humans for dart boards. I believe that  the eyes are the window to a persons soul, so I like to take a peek into  the proverbial window as I drive a steel plated goat head dagger into their still beating heart. I prefer a woman who enjoys fishing and anal sex. I am a sociopathic beast at dinner parties. I also predominantly prefer spanish men..... I mean, women.

My name is Rich, but I really like it when the girls call me Richie. I like to be squeezed tightly and told I'm the master. My favorite music group is AC/DC. I like to sneak into peoples houses when they are sleeping and I like to bake cookies. My true passions are human anatomy and spicy foods. I like a woman who is into pentagrams and heavy metal. I'm a simple guy. You worship me and I'll pee on you.

My name is Travis. I think sincerity is the vainest attempt at flattery. I like adult films and eating Cheerios with Cognac. I drive a taxi so I work long hours. I'm looking for a woman who is adventurous, non-political, and preferably not a prostitute. I am looking for someone dominating and cheerful who will clean up after me and also knows how to make a good grilled cheese sandwich. Oh, and please be over the age of 13.

My name is Albert. I like reading Christmas cards and making stew. I like a woman who would give me long, and delicate sponge bath without me having to beat the idea into her head. A woman with style and grace, who is a master of fellatio. I'm gentle and decrepit and I have tourette's syndrome. I am good at multi-tasking and I can be the man of both dreams and nightmares. I poop my pants a lot.



****Original post date 11/05/2009****

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO TONY MONTANA

In 1983 a film was released that would become more than just another movie. Scarface.

Directed by one of my favorite directors, Brian De Palma, with a script written by none other than Oliver Stone, Scarface has gone on to become many different things to many people. It’s a pop culture phenomenon. It is certainly Al Pacino's finest moment in a career that has generated more than its share of fine moments.

It inspired young fans such as Sean Combs and Jay-Z to not only become rappers but these men went on to build multi-million dollar empires. All thanks to a gun toting "political refugee" that went by the name of Tony Montana.

Scarface and its violent gospel spread through gangster overtones and beset by greed that comes immersed in piles of "yayo" and money was certainly the biggest influence on a genre of music known as gangster rap. Though not strictly gangster, Combs and Jay-Z have long touted the importance of this movie on their lives and careers. Snoop Dogg is as well a high profile fan.

No rap act, gangster or otherwise, can claim as large of an influence from this film and its namesake character as the Geto Boys.

Their first couple of releases are literally gorged with references and dialogue samples. Not to mention that one of their members actually calls himself Scarface.

Greed was fast gaining steam in the 1980's and the drug culture was in full bloom. Scarface brought these themes into the light and onto the movie screen in its depiction of a Cuban refugee who bursts onto the scene and begins his journey into a world filled with wanton avarice and riddled with brutality on the blood stained streets of Miami. He wants more than just his piece of the pie. In fact, not even the whole pie would suffice. Tony Montana wants the entire kitchen. He throws himself directly into the action and begins calling the shots overtop his bosses and far more experienced counterparts and before long, he is on top of the world.

But the huge contrast that Scarface had to earlier depictions of gangster culture was that where as the gangsters of films such as The Godfather stuck fairly closely to tightly wound agendas and commanded respect, Pacino's Tony Montana just didn't give a fuck. He wanted it all and he wanted it now and he didn't care how he got it.

Tony Montana was a far cry from the dapper dons of the Corleone family in the Godfather trilogy. Don Corleone and his family of well dressed gentleman might have made one an offer they can't refuse. But Tony Montana would ask you once and if you didn't listen to him he just might beat the ever loving shit out of you. One's unwillingness to comply with his twisted brand of self absorption and power hungry attitude just might get you on the wrong end of a shank or a gun.

The movie is actually a remake of a 1932 film. The original Scarface film was quite notorious in its day and considered violent and ground breaking. While both films are very similar in nature and share many themes, each ones overall message would be completely different. All a sign of the times I imagine. The 1932 Scarface was a call to arms for law enforcement to rise up and reign down their intolerance and affliction of justice upon the gangster lifestyle and its law bending alliances.

The Scarface of 1983 pre-dated the "greed is good" philosophy of Wall Street’s Gordon Gekko by four years with its own message that indeed maybe greed is good for a little while, but as Redd Foxx once said "you got to wash your ass." Greed might be fine and dandy, but eventually your greed will consume you and you will forget to wash your ass and everybody knows that a dirty ass is never a good thing.

While I did enjoy the 1932 Scarface film it has achieved nothing close to the magnitude of De Palma's vision. De Palma had just come off of a cinematic hot streak that produced such classic films as Blow Out, Dressed to Kill, The Fury, and Carrie.

Scarface would be met with much abnegation upon its release as critics all felt the film glorified violence. I found their denouncement of this film to be quite nonsensical as it is certainly not unheard of for a movie to do just that. After all, it’s the movies. In fact, I think that all movies built around violence glorify it in some way. Bigger is said to be better and what could look better than a beatdown or a shoot-out on a GREAT BIG screen?

Scarface could be considered to glorify violence no more than it might be accused of glorifying drug use for that matter. Scarface has a message and to properly convey this message the film felt it necessary to use the violence and excess of its lead character through an artful expression of bloodshed.

De Palma is a brilliant director and his films have done more than just showcased violence in a gratuitous fashion. He uses violence as a catalyst in his story and even though often times the brutal actions might seem to make sense to his characters at the time of initial onset, he proves that it does not in fact always equal vindication.

Certainly Scarface would never have become what it has indeed become were it not for the electrifying performance of its star, Al Pacino. Pacino spent the 70's giving performance after performance of epic degree in films like The Godfather, Panic in Needle Park, Serpico, Dog Day Afternoon, and . . . And justice for all. He had already proven to be one of the greatest actors of our time but his portrayal of drug lord Tony Montana has surely cemented his icon status forever as this performance and film will continue to enlighten and inspire movie fans for a very long time to come. As an actor Pacino has had more than his fair share of important film roles, but I often wonder if, at now 70 years old, he is still stopped on the street by fans and asked to exclaim "Say hello to my little friend!"

A great film requires an ensemble of talent and De Palma and Pacino crafted themselves a masterpiece no doubt. But the true star and ultimate ingredient of this films legacy is the dynamic script written by Oliver Stone.

In my opinion Scarface is one of the most important films of all time. It’s absolutely in my top ten best films and the dialogue, masterfully crafted by Stone, has become gospel to me. I quote movies all the time. But Scarface goes beyond just mere movie dialogue. This movie is life. It tells it like it is.

Almost 30 years later much of the dialogue that I know and love from this movie still rings true to this day, both upon a political and sociological scale. I think I find myself quoting Scarface more often than any other film as I feel like its words and message says so much about every day existence that it’s poetic in its magnitude.

"In this country you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the woman. "

Sad but true. Not a sexist statement at all. The truest gospel of affirmation and sexuality ever spoken.



"Who do I trust? Me!"

It’s no secret that if you want something done you gotta do it yourself. Friends and family are great. But nobody can look out for you better than you.


"All I have in this world is my balls and my word, and I don't break them for no one.”

There are many noble attributes in life. But loyalty trumps them all. Particularly when it's loyalty to ones self.


"You know what capitalism is? Getting fucked. "

Our worst enemy is the very thing that we need to survive. Greed mutates us into money hungry parasites and once the mutation spreads nothing good can come of it. The age old idea that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

Besides, it’s kind of hard to get ahead anywhere in life when you're bent over all the time.


"I got ears, you know. I hear things. "

The best defense is a good offense. If you keep your head down and your mind open then you will always stay on top of things.


"The only thing in this world that gives orders is balls.”

This one goes hand in hand with another fundamental verbal bomb dropping-


"You fuck with me you fuckin' with the best.”

Nothing builds character and realized dreams better and more viable than self confidence.


"Nothing exceeds like excess.”

No matter how you slice it, the more you get the more you want. Greed is humanities most paramount psychological void.


"Every dog has his day.”

Or the more brutal variation that comes to call upon those who knock too loudly. . . . . He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword. In the case of Tony Montana swords are substituted for guns. The principles remain the same though.


"I always tell the truth, even when I lie.”

Everybody lies. But as long as you believe in your own bullshit everything will be alright. That is, until you get cornered by a bunch of angry Columbians and they blast you into Swiss cheese.


"I only tell you once. Don't fuck me, Tony. Don't you ever try to fuck me. "

I have lived my life by this nugget of wisdom. If my eyes are open and I’m ready and willing, yes . . . Fuck me good and do it hard. But if my back is turned and my guard is down, you best stifle that shit, Edith.


"The world is yours.”

This is certainly a comforting sentiment. But the truth is that the world is not yours or mine or even ours. It’s theirs.

As soon as we can figure out, and not a minute sooner, who the fuck "they" are we'll be alright.


"Say goodnight to the bad guy.”

The human race is pretty filthy when it comes right down to it. Even though we all might be aware of this filth the idea that somewhere out there is someone far more ruthless than we are is what allows us to sleep at night after doing piles of our metaphorical coke all day.

Scarface and its rebuttal of power beset by the excesses of gluttony besieged by violence has managed to become a sign of the times for all times. The names and faces have changed but its ultimate message has remained the same.

Greed might seem like a healthy concept to many. But with health comes transformation, and when such transformation finds itself funded by dead presidents one learns the most dangerous lesson of all. That you are the company you keep.

Still, some people believe in karma and as long as we can muster up enough energy to say goodnight to the bad guy we all just might sleep a little better tonight.

****Original post date 6/14/2010****

TIGER WOODS TAKES HIS PENIS TO EROTIC CITY

Can somebody please explain to me what exactly is sex addiction and how does one find themselves checking into sex rehab? I mean, okay . . . . . People claim to be addicted to narcotics, caffeine, nicotine, food, and alcohol-

Substances.

I disagree with much of this too, but I can see how someone with an empty existence can mistake a jelly donut or a vial of crack for comfort and claim to be addicted. We've all probably made the same mistake from time to time. Some things are just so awesome they simply must be addictive, right?

Studies have shown how sugar, caffeine, and various narcotic substances can make someone crave them once their system has become accustomed to being spiked. It’s all a matter of opinion though. Cravings. Addictions. What your mind tells you that you need and what your body actually needs in order to keep from shutting down is a completely different set of issues to me.

But, sexual addiction? Checking into sex rehab?

I had no idea there was a such place as a sex rehab clinic. That certainly seems like an awful lot of wasted revenue just because somebody wants to test that whole "if you don't stop it you'll go blind" theory.

I remember first reading a little about it a few years ago when I read that Michael Douglas was being treated for sex addiction. But, he is a movie star and movie stars do all sorts of crazy shit for publicity stunts, so I just blew it off.

So, now of course one of the big stories in the news lately is Tiger Woods and his infidelity.

A few things I guess I should state up front here are . . . . . I haven't really been following this incident because I don't really care about some asshole cheating on his wife. All of these actors and athletes and glorified role models do it because they think they are somehow exempt from decent behavior. Plus, beyond the fact that I hate sports and think it’s all fixed, golf isn't even a real sport. Coupled with the fact that I have no interest in hitting a ball into a field and then walking to pick it up and doing it again for 8 or 17 more holes, Tiger Woods sticking his dick in anything that wears perfume simply doesn't warrant my attention.

But, he is in sex rehab now and seeking help. Ummmmm. . . . . Okay. Help for what? For banging women? I wasn't aware that was a disease. For jerking off non-stop? Shit, I need to get a straight jacket then. For cheating on his wife? What ever happened to talking it out and fixing the marriage or just getting a divorce?

No no no no no no . . . . . All this is too simple. Plus, the guy has like a billion dollars and he needs to redeem himself before losing all his endorsements, so what is a golf playing vagina craving rich guy to do? Yep, you guessed it . . . . .

Check into sex rehab.

First off, we all know he has a sickness and needs help because Dr. Drew said so.

Dr.  Drew hasn't been as visible since he split from Adam Corolla, so what better way to grab some attention pie than to go on 20/20 or sit on Oprah's couch and diagnose someone else’s marriage problems? I mean, shit . . . Bring it on Dr.  Drew. The only thing Tiger needs now is to have Dr.  Ruth chime her wrinkly ass rhetoric in there and we can have a rhetoric sandwich on wrinkly bread.

Is it just me or does Dr.  Ruth look like Mel Brooks with a vagina? I mean, that is assuming that because she claims to be a sex expert that she actually does in fact have a vagina. Sorry, but I don't think I need Mel Brooks with or without a vagina telling me who to fuck and how to fuck and how many times and where and when and what to do with the leftovers.

I got a little curious about the idea of sex addiction because I just don't understand it. I found plenty of information obviously because that is what the internet is for, but . . . . . Well . . . . . I still don't understand the idea of someone wanting or needing to fuck to be a sickness and the idea that someone needs to check into a clinic to be told by some short, fat doctor with a hairy back that we should go find a hobby that doesn't involve spilling semen.

Did you know that sex addiction can lead to such abnormal behavior as

Compulsive masturbation? . . . . . And this is a bad thing how? (Well, as long as you also practice time management)

Multiple or anonymous sex partners? . . . . . . Jesus buddy, you just diagnosed half the planet.

Multiple affairs and infidelity? . . . . . Shit, that’s half the married people in existence right there.

Unsafe sex? . . . . . .  Come on, this isn't the 80's anymore. Nobody pays any attention to detail. It’s just strip and bone away now. Just put it somewhere without flies or fleas and you should be good to go.

Consistent use of pornography? . . . . . . This just diagnosed 99% of the men on the earth. Not sure about the women, but surely at least 45%.

Prostitution?  . . . . . Yeah, I think most women that become prostitutes are thinking to themselves "gee, I like to slurp meatsicles all day and spend my free time humped over a chair or a sink in a mensroom, I must be a sex addict and seek help right away and forget about paying my rent or buying food."

Sexual harassment? . . . . . . Isn't that what fat bosses are for?

Rape/molestation? . . . . . . Sorry, I just always thought these people were deviants. These poor people need help. Castration and being in jail with Bubba is too good for them.

Exhibitionism? . . . . . Come on, you're going to deprive little old men in raincoats that one true joy they have left?

Voyeurism? . . . . . . . I thought this was perfectly acceptable if somebody has their curtains open and just happens to be standing buck ass naked in front of the window.

Obsessive dating through personal ads? . . . . . . Hey now. Us misanthropes need love too.

This stuff is not a result of a legitimate sickness. It’s various deviant or slightly off colored kinky behavior that most of the people in the population have exhibited at one time or another. So then, we're all sex addicts?

Okay . . . . Let us say I go to a meeting and stand up in an over crowded room and announce "Hi my name is Bungle Grind and I am a sex addict" . . . . . . And this is a problem how again?

Some of the symptoms that sex addict’s exhibit are -

Gaining little satisfaction from sexual activity . . . . . Hey, let me tell you that if your legs are not spread eagle in the air and your knees are not quivering like jello and you're not pulling hair and gnashing teeth like a filthy animal then you need to find someone else to roll in the mud with.

No emotional bond is formed with their partner . . . . . You just described the concept of casual sex, which is a majority of the uglies being bumped outside your window at this very moment.

Guilt or shame . . . . I wouldn't say I have ever felt shame. But, I have felt guilt a few times. You got a problem with that?

Denial . . . . . . As in denying there is a problem in the first place, maybe? Problem? What problem?

Treatment of sexual addiction is said to remain focused on controlling the addictive behavior and helping one to develop a healthy sexuality.

Okay, so what exactly is a healthy sexuality? I always figured that if it didn't involve poo or pee or barnyard animals it's all good.

Some of the treatments involve, but are certainly not limited to, counseling and marital therapy. If you think you might need to spend a shitload of cash on something like this I can save your pocketbook right now with one good healthy diagnosis. Let us use basketball metaphors, and I will tell you this . . . . . The best way to have a safe and happy sexual existence for all parties involved is this . . . . . Get it all in the hoop, and try not to spill any on the court. Condition cured. Now, play ball.

No, but science wants your money. All of it. There is a 12-step recovery program. 12 steps! I can think of one good one. If you are ever in a public place and unable to have a sexual encounter and you feel the need to jack off, Bungle Grind suggests that you either find a quiet place or try to picture Susan Boyle naked eating a bowel of ice cream. That would surely destroy even the most rampaging erection. Oh, and do note that public restrooms do not equal privacy. Just ask George Michael. Different blog altogether though. Sorry.

Then of course they have a pill for everything. Why? Medications cost big bucks baby. The most commonly prescribed medications for sexual addiction are Prozac and anafranil. So, okay . . . . Once again . . . . I'm a sex addict and I need help. But, instead of just talking down my hard on or watching a movie where Kathy Bates appears naked (yes, there really is one of these) I should spend a shitload of money on something that is going to cause nausea, headaches, diarrhea and fatigue?

I shit myself and I have headaches and vomit all over everything and I’m tired all the time . . . . . But, I don't get those unwanted erections anymore. Life is good now.

Call me kooky, but I like getting erections. It brings me down to earth and makes me realize that all life ain't so bad as long as I can still cut wood or pitch a tent. Another side effect of anafranil is "ejaculation failure." Jesus . . . . That just sounds nightmarish to me. Prozac causes decreased sex drive and "ejaculation problems." I would say failing to ejaculate is as horrid a problem as a dick can have, wouldn't you? Dick says so.

I guess I just don't understand how sex and wanting sex and thinking about it and craving it is a bad thing. I mean, so bad that we should crush our sex drives and destroy our will to live because someone can't save their shitty marriage?

If your marriage sucks so bad then get the hell away from each other. Don't take it out on the one thing that still manages to bring you joy in this wretched life. Your private parts.

I mean, after all . . . . Your privates are not the enemy here that gets you into trouble all the time. Your heart and brain do all the thinking and planning and acting out. Your privates just do the dirty work that your stupid hearts and minds tell them to do. So, if you're gonna go to rehab . . . . Don't drag your doodads and donut holes. Bring your brains and your lying evil blackened hearts and make them pay for the damage they caused you.

One love. With tongue.

BG



****Original post date 1/22/2010****