The internet is like a fairy tale.
It's the land of make believe, bitch.
Where anything can happen and usually does.
Here on the internet, even complete losers and freaks of the literal kind can log into any social refuge and instantly be as beautiful as they have always wished that they could be in their brilliant minds and fat, stupid hearts.
As internet controversies go important things like who you laid out your douche chips for in the drag queen race or the identity of your favorite tag team midget wrestling duo often times get pushed aside for the most important issue at hand on the internet. What all of us motherfuckers look like.
We all want to be beautiful. In our own minds some of us are. But when we schlep down the street to the tune of giggles and vomit hitting the sidewalks many of us can only dream of being beautiful. That is, until we get a computer.
Even myself.
Who cares if my lips are moving or in this case fingers tapping? All that matters is my face. The coolest thing though about the internet is that it doesn't even have to be my face. I can just cruise google images and find some hot young thing of varying gender and then in my about me section state that "this was me during my crispy beef cake (or beef curtain) phase" and the views will start piling up like Auschwitz. It won't even matter that I am sitting here in my underwear, bloated from not having taken my morning shit, and drinking my coffee in one hand while rubbing a gummi bear on the rim of my anus for that extra zing with the other. I am beautiful hear me roar.
If you are trying to be popular it would make perfect sense to choose a super model as your avatar. After all, if you are trying to post blogs and wish to be recognized how are you possibly going to get what is rightfully deserved unless people fantasize about shoving their fists or their heads into your ass cavity because they have always wanted to lose themselves in beauty? Using your brain and saying anything clever or unique or funny is for ugly people and if you are ugly, no matter how deep or thought provoking you are, unless people want to fuck you for some reason then you might as well be a mute because you have the cultural relevance of a shit stain.
I think everybody should use super model head shots (or ass shots to be more fitting in some cases) for their avatar. We should all change our avatars. Why show our real faces if we are ugly? Think about when you are standing in an elevator and an attractive person sneezes. If you say "bless you" . . . . Did you know that unless you too are attractive this person despises you? Who the hell wants to be blessed by an ugly person? Even if they were caught off guard and didn't have kleenex handy and you offered up clothing or hair for them to wipe their snot on they are still looking down on you because in this case they are thinking "why couldn't I have had a hot person allow me to wipe my snot on them?"
If you wish to be a number one blogger and regularly penetrate the putrescence that is the buzzing posts daily with your knowledge and soul please know that you are going to have to have an avatar that looks like it was lifted from the Sears catalog circa 1984. Lots of smiles. Hair blowing in the wind, suggesting that it might even be giving you a reacharound with that so fresh feeling. But please, no nudity. Blogging sites are a family establishment that should remain decent. Real. But not too real. Clothing upon the body to go right along with the closed for business sign of the mind and free parking sign that snuggles inside of the grassy knoll of one's ego.
To promote just the right amount of realness on this site we should all be forced to have beautiful avatars. That is how we all wish our world to be. Beautiful. Real beautiful. It's like dancing on clouds, with maps of the stars homes hanging out of our pockets. A twinkle between our legs because we no longer have pubic hair or gristle showing between our teeth. It's a many splendored thing this internet. Just like love. That is why we all love each other so much here. Because the internet and love . . . . They are one in the same. It's like having a piece of pea cobbler and washing it down with spiced butt rum. Brought tears to my eyes just typing that.
So let's all make love and make history in the process. Let's all be beautiful. If we are all going to touch each other and love each other, like we are having ourselves a cyber orgy, then we damn well should all be beautiful. After all, who wants to see ugly people touching each other? That is just wrong and it only leads to uglier babies, which is an entirely different blog.
***Original post date 9/28/2011***
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