*** A guest blog by Cleanshaven, the bald blogger monkey. Original post date 5/25/2010***
In religion they have Ten Commandments. I don't really follow religion much. But I did see that movie with the guy who likes to curse at monkeys a lot. He's a bastard. He was Noses so it's okay to be a bastard sometimes. At least for that guy.
Just kidding. It's okay for all of you human racers. In fact, it's expected of you because humans need people to single out as heathens and make the rest of them feel special. These heathen acts have been collected for your perusal and arousal by the brotherhoods of lurch and church who were even so kind as to number them for oversexed retards. There is ten of them. Yeah, TEN. Thou shalt nots I call them.
Something about not porking your neighbors wife because she looks like bigfoot. . . .
I think not being allowed to watch American idol unless you are an idiot is one of them. . . .
You must like endings that are happy or hairy or you're just being a dick.
You are only allowed to touch yourself on days of the week that end with Y.
No shooting smack or smacking shoot into your veins and saying Jesus a lot because Jesus is a peacemaker and therefore does not believe in shooting or smacking.
No stealing bread until they unload it from the bread truck.
WOW. I remembered six of them.
Not bad for somebody who has never set foot in a church except to try and pilfer a drink of wine and some of those animal crackers the priests like to give you before they fondle your willy wonky.
So, where was I? Oh yeah, here I am.
I don't know religion much. But I sure do know blogging. Blogging and religion are very much the same because those who practice these things know they are always right because everyone else is wrong. Believe this because I am blogging right now and you, my good reader, are badly in need of direction.
Maybe you were not aware but there is a bloggers etiquette commandment and credibility list. If you don't follow it and be a real blogger I am afraid you cannot be considered authentic and therefore, you are a fake blogger and this means you suck but not in a good way.
Myself I am truth and not false. Not never ever never ever. I follow each and every single commandment and rule of blogging as written by that Frood guy. Frood is good. He's brilliant square danced.
Since this is a blogging site, and there does seem to be a lack of actual blogging going on, I thought I would bring the noise as Chuck D would say and then the next time you write some absolute shit and it fails to change the world now you can know why.
Why? Because you're just not a real blogger, that’s why. How do I become a real blogger you might ask? Just follow the blogger commandment and credibility list. A list written and published by that Frood guy.
(By the way, since blogging is a religion to Frood he decided there should be Ten Commandments in blogging just like that babble thing. But Frood got so caught up in the excitement of making these commandments that there are in fact eleven of them. Overachieving is a sign of both intelligence and stupidity and just as hermaphrodites are the only true beings in possession of happiness it is more than well to hold the key that unlocks the doors to both worlds because both is best. I know that you would like to think Frood made this wisdom known but he did not. I was pooping one of the many poops that I have enjoyed and as I felt the joy slipping from my bottom I let loose this knowledge of wisdom from my top portion. It was neat.)
So, here you go dear wanna be blogger. Just follow these eleven steps towards the ladder of blogging success and you will find yourself up there at the top.
11)
Be completely delusional. Create a fake anything and everything about yourself. Introduce yourself in one of those fancy introduce yourself blogs that basically says "Hi. I'm here. Love me. "
Make up your name. Your location. Your background story. Nothing will take you further than a good avatar and a great back-story. It also comes in handy because when everybody falls madly in love with you and finds themselves whistling the scar bangled spanner towards your anus they will never be able to track you down and find out all that bloggy goodness is a lie because you are nowhere to be found. Pretty cool huh?
10)
If another blogger tells you to do something you must do it. No questions asked. A real blogger has nothing of substance to say and can only post whatever another blogger tells he or she or it to post. Popularity will come to you in no time as your knees will crumble and your lips will turn brown. Such a beautiful shade this brown is.
9)
Sadness but truth? Nobody wants to read you. That is where alcohol abuse and medications come in to play. If you blog and post only while drinking copious amounts of alcoholic beverages or while on large doses of prescription medication you will become an instant smash hit on the blogging scene. Believe it.
In fact, it is even more likely that you will become a staple of the popular list if you mix alcohol and medication. Do it often. Even if it says not to on the warning label. After all, who needs functioning organs when you're in the popular posts night after night?
*****Important notice***** I should point out that this rule shall only advocate the use of prescription meds and does not endorse non-prescribed medications or illegal usage of narcotic substances. Blog responsibly and never break the law. Frood would want it this way.
8)
Repost Repackage and Repudiate. (Or as Frood once said "The 3 R's are good because only having 1 or 2 is not nearly as plentiful.")
Those people who claim they want originality and deem only fresh material to be noteworthy reading don't know what they're talking about. They're losers and solely lacking in views.
Post the same blog over and over. Delete it and repost it. Lather-rinse-repeat. Your audience will love you for it. After all, nobody really pays any attention to you anyway. So, how will they know that you have posted the same blog already?
7)
Post as many one line blogs as possible because one twitter is just not enough. Besides, if your blogs only consist of one line just think about how many you can post in a single minute. Or hour. Or day. Or week. I'll stop now.
Can anybody say "mo' blogging mo' blogging mo' blogging!”? I just wrote it. But please know that as I wrote it I am saying it out loud. This is important to me and so therefore I know it's important to you.
6)
Everything counts in large amounts.
Did you do something completely mundane and dreadfully boring today? Please tell us all about it. Again . . . . And again . . . . . And again . . . . I promise you . . . . We can simply not get enough.
5)
Everybody loves poetry. But everybody knows that real poetry doesn't make any sense. The sooner you learn this the sooner your blogging career can begin.
The far off wonder of which the stars break for electric Frankenstein penis in the anus of maudlin ridge.
There. See? I make poetry like you make poo.
4)
The only good blogger is a dead blogger. This means in order to be a really really really good blogger you must kill yourself. If you kill yourself you will become the most popular blogger on this entire site. Give your password to a friend and have them claim that it is you blogging from the grave. You will become even more popular and since your account is still active it won't drop out of the top bloggers list once you begin to smell really really really bad.
3)
Every good blogger deserves a boost.
Unless you have mastered the art form of anal osculation nobody will know who you are unless you put yourself out there. Putting one’s self out there can also include putting yourself up there. F5 key all your posts into oblivion. That way everybody can truly see what a genius you are. Works for me.
2)
Drama and war make nice bedfellows.
One doesn't always have to write heartfelt poetry or deep thought provoking diatribes with lots of substance and wisdom when they can just be a complete tit. Attack anyone and everyone. You are right, they are wrong. Always. End of story.
1)
Copyright everything you post. Everything. You would be surprised at the amount of thievery that exists on a blog site. Everybody is looking to steal those precious words of yours. Even if you are just writing a blog to say “YAY WOW I have diarrhea. "
Do understand that nobody gets diarrhea quite like you and do have that blog copyrighted as quickly as possible. You will thank yourself for it in the end. You'll still have diarrhea though.
These eleven commandments are guaranteed to bring you suckcess, so what are you waiting for? Start fresh right now and be a real blogger. After all, we are family and what is family for if not sharing blogging secrets? YAY. WOW. NEAT. Regards. One love. Again again. And then even again again again. Internally, internationally. . . . but most importantly. . . . . . Anally. Anal is very important in the world of blogging, just as it is in religion. Now, thank me because you are so very welcome.
